Radical Hope

Tuesday.

2012-01-03T21:08:00.002-05:00

Well, here it is the 3rd day of a new year. Wish I could say it was starting off on a positive note, but not so much. What is a person to do?

Sometimes trying to understand people can zap one of every ounce of energy. Why is it that what can seem to make perfect sense to some makes no sense to someone else? Maybe it is me (us) - maybe it is them, either way, it is exhausting.

Trying to change my medicine today - hopefully this will straighten that part of life out. Guess we'll wait and see.

Start of New Year

2012-01-02T15:24:00.002-05:00

So much has changed in life since my last post - no point in trying to update it all. So here it goes for a new year - 2012. That seems very crazy to think about - that year, but here it is upon us and it will probably fly by as quickly as the last one.

Dan and I started this new year in Illinois. We went back to pick up a pool table that his cousin had in Brimfield, Illinois. It was actually Dan's pool table at one time, but had ventured to Minnesota, then back to Illinois, and is now residing in our basement in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I think it will be fun to have - I am terrible, but that's okay. It is still fun.

I have a bunch of ideas for that "stuff I want to do this year" list milling around in my head, but this year, more than some in the past, seems to be filled with a little more uncertainty. So, I will keep the list in my head for now but will try to get it written down at some point.

Later today, we hope to make it over to the Klings to hear about their mission trip to the Dominican Republic. I'm sure they will have some interesting stories to tell. Tomorrow it will be back to work - hopefully things will be fairly low key this week in that respect as people get back into their pre-holiday routines.

Tonight I could probably just wrap up in a quilt and lay on the couch but not sure what the agenda holds.

Trying to stay hopeful for 2012...

Out the Window

2009-10-22T16:27:00.002-05:00

Currently, I am staring out the window from the drive-up at work. I probably should be doing my homework or looking over a new program manual that I am going to have to know or study all the materials I got from the seminar I just had to go to, but for now, I am just going to look out the window at the trees behind the bank because I don't think I can absorb any more information right at this moment.

Our daughter Carrie just stopped by on her way to help Drew fix up their first apartment. She is extremely excited about how it is looking which is so good to see. She thought she was going to have to work tonight, but due to over staffing was given the opportunity to take off and help move stuff. I am glad she made that choice when given the option. I am anxious for Dan and I to get to see their place. It is all still hard for me to believe - this time the move out will not be temporary but that is good and the way it is supposed to be.

Last night Dan and I got to learn the Tango and the Hustle (which our teacher described as not John Travolta style - bummer). The Tango was a little difficult for me, but Dan seemed to remember this morning when we practiced. We may try our first "dance party" tomorrow night. We have six to get in before the end of the year! I just hope everyone doesn't get too dressed up - but I'm not thinking anyone will kick us out or anything.

Still been thinking a lot about the Michael Card concert we attended Monday night. I really like listening to him as he is mellow both in demeanor and style. His lyrics are always powerful and I had forgotten about all of the songs I used to listen to so much. (Plus there was a cello - need I say more.) I think maybe it would be good to start listening to some of them again. I think what we fill ourselves with - especially from a musical standpoint - can make such a difference. Lyrics stick with you - positive or not so positive. I remember the song that says, "It's hard to imagine the freedom you find, from the things you leave behind." When we were getting ready to sell our house in Illinois and move to Ohio, I played that song a lot. To me it wasn't necessarily meaning "things" in the literal sense like a home, job, and all the stuff we had to sell. To me "things" can mean control of and security in the familiar. At least to the extent that we think we have control and security. I wasn't necessarily happy to leave our family and friends, but I definitely felt a sense of purpose for our family - like we were actually acting on our faith and totally depending on God like we never had before. I don't feel so purposeful now - suppose no one feels that way all of the time. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm really acting on my faith so much anymore either. Why is that? I don't know...

The trees sure do look pretty. I am looking forward to going home and sharing a frozen pizza with Dan...

Trying to Come Back

2009-10-21T12:22:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about trying to write a little bit again - I have no idea why, but it just seems that a lot of thoughts can be swimming around in one's head and then you that seemingly brilliant thought you had that never seems to return again.

We have a lot of stuff going on in our lives right now and maybe recording some of them would be of great benefit later or would at least be interesting to go back and look at. Probably one of the bigger "events" we have ever participated in as a family will be happening in a very short while. Carrie Jade Horwedel will be starting a new life with Drew in less than six weeks. It is amazing to me as a parent how this could be happening as it seems not that long ago that she was heading off to school with a bright pink lunchbox. The old cliche is so true - time flies. I suppose as her mother, there will be some tears shed - but not sad tears at all, just happy ones. I am so excited for her and for Drew and for the adventure they will be starting. I suppose I will worry some days about how they are doing, are they happy, are things turning out as they had hoped. However, I will do my best to trust them into His hands and know that they can get through those bad days and celebrate each good one. All I will say about this right now - emotions are pretty close to the surface. :)

Dan and I are taking dance lessons and are having a great time. Who would have thought? Not only is it fun, but it is at least one night a week where the concerns on my mind seem to melt away to somewhere else. I hope Dan gets that same benefit even though I let my feet get in the way sometimes.

Then there is work....not going there today.

Church seems to be going well. Our Sunday School Class has begun the NOOMA video series and have had some really good discussions. The topics aren't light - which I think is good. Most of the people there have had some sort of church exposure for quite awhile and I'm glad we seem to be going a little deeper and people seem to be sharing a little more. We are also still doing the Charis House suppers one evening a month, and that has turned out to be a good thing as well. I just wish I could do more - but see comment above and we'll move on...

Still going to school but am seeing a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Six more classes to go and I will be DONE! The class I am currently in is giving me some fits - mostly because I cannot concentrate on any of it and pretty much don't care right now. I know my next teacher as I have had her for a couple of classes and liked both of them really well. I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my "A" streak is about to come to a close and I need to just get over it and move on the next one. Such is life.

Well, it is time to go back to work as much lunch break is over and the tomato soup is gone. Maybe now that I have actually sat down and given this a little bit of a new look I can get back in gear.

Reminder to self: Write about the MC concert.

Contemplation

2008-09-09T20:05:00.003-05:00

It is always interesting to me to search google images with a single word and see exactly what comes up. As the title suggests, I typed in "contemplation" and got quite a wide range of pictures, but this one was toward the beginning and I kind of liked it, so here it is.

I have been contemplating several things over the last few weeks and I'm sure everyone who stops by here from time to time is sick of my "road to relaxation" picture, so here it goes in totally random order.

Politics: It comes as no surprise to anyone that this subject has been on the news just a little bit lately. Now, I really don't consider myself affiliated with any particular party and I can say that I agree with a few things in both camps but not a lot of things in either. I have begun to wonder how to line up the whole mess with those things that I hold most important in regard to my beliefs as a Christian.

I do believe, without doubt, that the only hope I can completely put my trust in for this life and the life after this, is the hope that Christ gives. I cannot believe that any one person (or party) can set things right. God has been about the business of trying to reconcile us back to Himself ever since that nasty incident in the garden many, many years ago. As far as I can see, He has the only plan that is going to set this world right and I may or may not ever see it fulfilled in my lifetime on this earth, but trust I will see it all unfold in the next. That being said, I do believe it is each of our responsibility to do what we can to line up our attitudes, the way that we live our lives and how we treat others with the example He gave us when He sent Christ down to earth.

Then of course, there is the other issue of country first. Now, at the risk of being considered unpatriotic, I have to say that God is really abundantly clear that He is to be first in our lives. I don't think there is any place where I have read that He gives exception to that. However, on the contrary, He gives lots of examples of what happens when we move Him on down the list. It gets pretty ugly. What keeps coming to my mind is when Jesus is asked, in my humble paraphrase, to let people know what commands are the most important in this life. He simply puts it to love God with all your heart, soul and mind and to love others as yourself. So again, I have sleepless nights and wonder, how do our country's politics line up with that and what should our role as Christians be? What does it mean to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us? What does it mean to not be prideful? What does it mean to take care of the poor and the outcasts? What does it mean to put Christ first? By the way, if you have some simple answers to these complex questions...you scare me.

School: I started back to school in July and am on my second class of four this semester. I actually should be done in the spring of 2010 and can graduate at the same time as Isaac (although hopefully not on the same weekend)! I had to take a temperament test tonight and mine came out as the "idealist". Now, given my recent history, this made me smile because I would have not described myself that way, but I hope at some point it holds true. It tells me that I want to help people grow and fulfill their potential, which would make me happy. I do enjoy teaching, which was one of the items it mentioned, so that would seem to line up. Hopefully, someday, I will be helping someone fulfill another potential other than making a pizza! I guess time will tell....

Home: The past several months, I (as well as Dan, I believe) have been quite homesick. For me, it is somewhat odd, because once you move away from your hometown, you associate home with where you grew up. I believe it is in the movie Garden State when the main character says it is a strange feeling when you realize the house you grew up in isn't home anymore. The homesick feeling seems to have subsided and that feels good. I think I will stop with this here.

So, back to the beginning, "contemplation". Sometimes I don't think we wrestle with ideas and question things enough. I know I have been guilty of this. Asking ourselves tough questions - you know, the ones without answers, is hard. But, I guess it is in the questioning that we can really learn about ourselves and what is important us. I know that Dan is important to me and makes my world a better place. Without him, the void in my life would be immense. Loving him and being loved by him brings me peace. I know how blessed I am to have children like Carrie and Isaac who question things and want to realize their own potential as well as change the world around them. Their happiness makes me happy. There are friends, past and present that have had a great impact on my life and for them, I am thankful. More and more I have been thinking about what it really means to be a Christian and how my life should be different because of that fact. Yes, contemplation is a good thing.

Until the next time, keep the hope alive -
JAH

Road to Relaxation

2008-06-05T19:05:00.004-05:00

When I typed in the word "relaxation" in google images, this picture came up entitled "Road to Relaxation". I liked it, so here it is.

In case you were all wondering why I would do a search on this topic, my class session has come to a close tonight and I am pretty happy about that. The last five weeks have been a little bit more hectic in the school department because I was taking two classes. Now I know that taking two classes really doesn't sound like all that much, but when you are in a program that crams a three hour college course into five weeks - doubling that is well, crazy stuff. Why would I do that? Because last session my wonderful husband Dan and I were celebrating 25 years of marriage in a wonderful place that was incredibly beautiful (and wonderful) and relaxing and I wasn't about to ruin or interfere with our time together by worrying about homework. That would have seemed really crazy!

So, back to my classes. The one I had on Tuesday evenings was in Organizational Behavior. This class was incredibly interesting and I felt like it had so many applications to life that even if I never use it on some professional level, it was worth the time because it had good, personal relevance. Unless a person lives under a rock, which although tempting at times is not very practical or comfortable, we all have to deal with groups of people. It is interesting how many principles apply whether you are talking about work groups, church groups, family groups or whatever group you belong to. Our teacher is actually a full-time instructor at the Pendleton Correctional Facility and he had great illustrations for our topics. I am hoping to get an "A" in the class, but the final was pretty tough and I had an eight page paper to turn in about the communication process where I work. I probably could have written a book - but that is another story that will probably not be told until I work somewhere else. Dan and I were able to have some really good discussions on leadership and group dynamics which made it even more worthwhile to me.

Then there was marketing on Thursday nights. Although I'm sure this subject matter is interesting and could even be fun, I really didn't like this class. I'm not going to use this cyber space to completely be negative about an instructor that so many people in the class seemed to like, but there you have it. I guess I just didn't connect very well to his style of teaching. I'll just leave it at that.

So, I have now completed six classes. The decision will need to be made about where to go from here. I like going to school in general, but my goals after completion of this degree are pretty hazy. It will probably not come as a huge shock to anyone that the prospect of working at a pizza place for the rest of my natural life is not really all that exciting to me. The problem is, I don't want to just get another job to replace this one, I want it to mean something...anything. Now don't get me wrong, I believe one can have a positive influence and even a definite purpose no matter where their particular job is located. I do believe that everything we do should be done "as unto the Lord" or however that is worded. Right now, I'm not thinking the Lord is overly pleased with what I'm doing unto Him (no disrespect intended or implied). I actually do believe that I had somewhat of a purpose when I began working there --gulp--almost eight years ago. But, I'm just not feeling it anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I believe we are witnesses wherever we go, but being a negative one probably wasn't the whole idea. When I began there I actually felt like I stood for something - now I feel like just another employee who is critical and impatient. I don't like myself too much in this regard and sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder who slipped a lemon into my mouth when I wasn't looking.

So, I ask myself if I could do anything...yeah that great question...what would I do? I think the thing I enjoy most is teaching. My only experience with it has been more in a church setting, but I really do like it. I don't know that one has to have the title "teacher" to teach, but if I could somehow have that role, I would like that. There, all of this rambling in my mind and on this blog and it has finally come out. I still have no idea what to do with it, but it's out there.

Well, my mind is tired and I think I am done for today. I stayed up late last night working on a marketing plan that was a group project. It was supposed to be 25 pages long - five pages per person. Another classmate and I basically rewrote the whole thing yesterday and last night and today. I believe it was graded in less than five minutes. We did get an "A" but somehow it seemed like I should have at least gotten a sticker or something. Of course my five page, five essay question final was graded during my trip to the bathroom. I got an "A" on that, too, no sticker. The one saving thing of the night was that he actually read the marketing interview I did - thanks Joan - and said it was really good and the most unique one he had been given. I'm assuming I got an "A" on that, too, although he didn't give it back to me. Okay, I didn't just leave it at that. Such is life.

Keep that hope alive -
JAH

May 14, 1983

2008-05-14T14:38:00.003-05:00

Here is a picture of a picture of the big day. I remember it rained that morning, but by the time of our wedding, the sun had come out and it was really quite nice. If I recall correctly, the ceremony started at 6:30 pm and probably lasted about 1/2 hour. It was all really quite simple by today's standards, but it worked out just fine for us. Twenty-five years later, we have a lot of great memories and have two great children as a result, too! I was 17 years old when Dan asked me to marry him - he was 18 - and 19 - he was 20 - when I was at the front of the church with him. The rest, as they say, is history... Thanks, dear for 25 years!

Vacation Thoughts

2008-05-01T14:19:00.004-05:00

Some random thoughts I had on our vacation:
Day 2 - 4/10/08
The staff here is incredibly gracious.
The ocean water is the most beautiful blue.
Palm tress against a blue sky are absolutely soothing.
The sound of waves coming to shore is hypnotic.
Lounging on the beach next to Dan is just what I dreamed it would be.
It is simply beautiful here.
It is fun to hear so many different languages being spoken.

Day 4 - 4/12/08
Relaxing isn't always easy, but it is worth it.
Salmon, cream cheese and tomatoes on bread seems to be a breakfast food for many people.
Sometimes a person just really needs to sleep.
Learning another language would be a good thing.
Even though there is an abundance of food and drink all around, a person doesn't have to overeat...or over-drink.
Bob Marley music on the beach in the evening with the noise of the ocean in the background is something to be enjoyed.
I do not know where I am on a map and have no idea how to get anywhere from where I am. It is kinda strange.
The weather here seems to be beautiful everyday. Blue skies, nice breeze.
There are a lot of different people in this world. Put them around a pool and they all seem to get along and respect each other's stuff.
Dressing up for dinner is really kind of nice.

Day 6 - 4/14/08
I usually have no idea what time it is.
It is going to be very hard to go back to the routine of life. It will be strange not be with Dan all day long.
I am going to the spa at 11 am. That is the first scheduled time I have had for anything since the day we arrived.
Having your first cup of coffee outside under blues skies and palm trees makes it much more enjoyable - and you feel no need to gulp it down.
I do not want to back to work - but this is all the time I'll give that thought right now.
There is no traffic noise here. The only motorized sound you hear is the occasional weed trimmer.
I finished an entire book in two afternoons and plan to start another today.

I didn't write anything else down after this day, but I want to record for history that this way the best vacation we have ever had. Dan and I felt totally privileged and grateful that we were able to go to such a place. We actually left on our trip on what would have been my mom's 83rd birthday. She would have been really happy that we used some of the money we have because of her to do something like this. She always told me that we should take a trip because we will remember that long after we would remember a thing that we had bought. She was a very wise woman as I don't think I will ever forget it.

Staying hopeful -
Jah

A Friday

2008-03-28T11:17:00.003-05:00

The countdown in my mind to vacation is definitely starting to be a loud voice in my head. Thirteen days from now, Dan and I should be laying on a beach or at least be able to see one from the pool. That is a very nice thought to me. It's been forever since we've had a real vacation and I am ready! Okay, I have that out of the way....

The other day, I ordered a beach bag from a company called Trade As One (thanks, Joan) and I have to say, I really like it. It is made from lime green rice bags and appears to be quite sturdy and just the right size. I am glad I went with the medium sized one, because from its size, the large one must also double as a sleeping bag in emergencies. It folds nice and flat so it won't take up much room in my suitcase, which is good. It would also seem to be quite water resistant - also good. The other thing I like about it as opposed to other big beach bags I've seen, is that it is lined, has pockets on the inside with zippers and the whole thing actually zips closed. I also have a feeling I won't mix it up with someone else's bag as it is quite unique. All of that, and the money actually helped to further someone's craft while supporting them financially. Good buy.

After my last post, I had been searching the internet for a place to buy some coffee for our church. I just wanted to buy a little to see how it tasted, etc. I was becoming quite discouraged that we were not going to be able to buy enough to make it cost effective due to the shipping prices, which were about as much as the coffee. I finally had the idea to go to a local co-op grocery store in Ft. Wayne and - yeah - they had it there. It is quite a cool place to go as well and their produce department makes the ones at some of the regular groceries look pretty bad. I also bought an onion, by the way, which was quite yummy in our omelet last night. Our son, Isaac, also informed me that you can buy fair trade coffee at Kroger as well, so I bought a little bag there to try. (It was a little cheaper, but the other place is, well, more interesting). I think supporting the local produce growers would be a good thing this summer and we actually have someone right down the road!

Last week Dan and I had an "interesting" experience at our usual Sunday night location. There were a couple of people in there who were more than just "under the influence" and the whole thing, although somewhat annoying, was really quite sad. The two people in question were really quite different from one another. One was a young man, late twenties who was giving the impression that he was quite successful in his work and quite popular with the ladies in the towns he traveled to. The other was a woman who was there with a person who appeared to be her husband. She was probably in her forties. Both of them were being quite loud and then they started in on each other. From a personal standpoint, I was getting quite uncomfortable with the whole situation and probably could have just left. There are many different angles to take in observing this event, but I'll just go with the one that really struck me. This woman's husband, or whatever he was, apologized, said she was an alcoholic and tried to get her to leave. She was not cooperating in any way and was finally asked to leave by the manager. The man with her never raised his voice or seemed to get angry. I watched them walk out the door with him holding her hand the whole way, talking quietly to her. Now, I have absolutely no idea where they came from or what their story was. But it seemed to me, there was someone who really cared about this woman, even with all her apparent problems. You just don't see that too much in situations like that. However, I think that is what is expected of all of us. You know, to care about each other even with all of our obvious flaws and problems. Not to condone everyone's actions, but to still care about the people. You know, "but for the grace of God, there goes me...." Maybe that's what I saw that night, grace in action.

Finally, another class is checked off my list and I am glad for that. Of course, the next one begins next week and I have a bunch of reading to do.

That's all for now...

JAH

Coffee Anyone??

2008-03-17T08:41:00.005-05:00

Yesterday our Sunday School class took off on a slightly different path than we had been. Since teaching a class at our church, I've always seemed to have an interesting mix of people. We don't do the "age segregation" so the people can have a pretty wide range of life experiences from being a current college student to having grandchildren in college. Personally, I like it - having all of those different perspectives.

Anyway...our class had been using a service called The Wired Word which takes current news events and tries to discuss them from a Christian-Biblical perspective. I have to admit, some weeks they really had to reach to get a lesson, but they did it. Well, thanks to my friend Joan who is currently working at Sojourners, I found that they also had some "current events" studies that I could download for little of nothing and make copies of (I stay within the 10 copy limit). I have had this study sitting in my basket on the bookshelf for a long time and kept thinking it probably wouldn't work for my current class, but yet I kept looking at it so I went for it this past week. To sum up, it deals with the current issue of slavery in our world today and it went over better than I had expected. One woman in the class had actually read all of the articles and started several sentences with, "I never knew..." Now she does, along with a handful of other people, so this is progress to me.

One of the quotes we focused on in class was in an article entitled "A Soul On Fire":

I claim my own name and my place in society daily in confrontations with what I am prepared to live with and what I am not. My claim is implicit in my ability to say yes or no. It asks whose rules have power over me and whose do not.

Sometimes I think the problems in our world, although this is a big oversimplification, I'm sure, boil down to the fact that most of us have decided that we can live with more than we should. When I asked why, the woman who had read all of the articles made a great observation when she said, "because if we think we can't live with it, that means we have to do something and most of us don't want to do that". Bingo.

In trying to bring the class to a close and in trying to say, maybe we should do something, I suggested that we take on the project of buying Fair Trade Coffee for our church. I asked them not to answer but to think about it because this was going to require a commitment. They agreed and I am supposed to get the numbers together for them. Now I know we could do this, I just hope we do. I put it to them this way, we will not stop the problems in the coffee world by buying this for our church, but at least we can stop contributing to them. I also gave them some info about a great company called Divine Chocolate.

I'm not sure why this idea of Fair Trade has been on my mind - I'm quite certain the morphine from the previous week has worn off, etc., but I think I need to do something about it. Again, my friend Joan was the one who first pointed me in this direction and I had kind of just been looking down the path but not really moving that way. I'm not sure what will happen, but I think I'm learning to think a little differently. I am going to try to attempt to put a couple of links on my blog - one for the chocolate and a couple that are for other fair trade items. Yes, they are more expensive, but maybe we would all be better off with one fair trade purse than three from Walmart. I did actually buy a recycled beach bag today for our trip (the one I had did have holes in the bottom). I'll let you know how it turns out.

Well, I have successfully put off doing my homework for an hour, but I had better get to it.

Hoping to contribute to the good -
JAH

Time for A New Look

2008-03-16T14:24:00.002-05:00

Today seemed like a day to try out a new look. This past week has been kind of a crazy one to say the least, so why not go all out and change up the format a little bit. I didn't realize how easy it was to make this change or I may have done it sooner, but I'm not a real "experimenter" when it comes to blogging.

For those of you who may not know, I got to have a surprise surgery this week. That's always a fun time - especially when the first ER visit takes place in another state when your daughter is sick in bed next to you and there has been a blizzard happening for the past several hours. I guess if a person is going to do something out of the ordinary - well - I guess I picked as good of a time as any.

I don't plan on going into all of the gory details of the past week's events, but let's just say, I've gone through labor and delivery with two children and this pain was worse. Given how long some people have problems and are sick with this type of thing, maybe it is just better to just get hit over the head with it at 3 am and then just get it all over with...maybe...I'm not sure on that one. I am thankful that my friend Robin was able to get me to the hospital and then get me home where Dan took over. I don't think anyone really knew what to do with me, but they were there and that was a good thing. Morphine became my temporary friend on Monday afternoon by giving me a bit of relief and a little bit of sleep. The doctors and nurses at the Bluffton Hospital were very nice and I have no complaints there. All went well and I got back home Wednesday night. It was funny during the night after my surgery I asked for some Tylenol and they said I couldn't have that, but I could have some more morphine if I wanted. I decline and waited until I was approved for Tylenol consumption Wednesday morning. Crazy.

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I was alive and well and very thankful for that and after thinking about it realizing that if this had to happen it all happened in a pretty good way, if that is possible. I just know I dealt with the 90 miles from Findlay to Yoder, but trying to get from Punta Cana to Detroit on a plane in that conditioned would not be an adventure I would ever care to take.

Thanks for the prayers and well wishes. Now all I can say for today is GO ILLINI!! :)

Peace to all -
JAH

Another Touch of Winter

2008-02-26T23:07:00.005-05:00

It seems as though winter will be hanging on for a little while longer. This morning we found ourselves covered with another blanket of snow so I pulled out the camera and headed outside before I headed off to work. Like most of the people I talk to, I am ready for spring to arrive, but one has to admit, God can create some beautiful stuff - even if it has to involve snow. One of the pictures is actually from the other day when the fog had rolled in. It was pretty too in its own way. These pictures weren't taken with the black and white option, nature just kind of made them that way on its own.
Thanks for indulging my photographic aspirations. I'm still really just experimenting,but it is pretty darn fun!

Thinking sun and warm thoughts - but appreciating the beauty of the seasons -
JAH

A Few New Pictures To Share

2008-02-20T22:12:00.009-05:00

Dan and I attended another camera workshop tonight, so I had to try a few of the tips that we learned. I'm realizing more and more that there is A LOT I don't know about and will be glad when the weather warms up a bit as I tend to like taking pictures outside a lot more than inside, but...here goes nothing.

This is the hutch that my brother Mark made me to put on top of Dan's childhood dresser. I have my grandmother's china as well as her doll (top shelf) displayed. For a more detailed few of the china - here is a close-up of the water pitcher. This pattern is probably not something I would have ever chosen, but I like it because it was hers. The story goes, according to my mother, that right after my maternal grandparents were married, my grandma sent my grandpa to an auction to buy her a set of dishes. He came home with this set and she thought it was too pretty to use, so she never really used it too much - more for display purposes. I would imagine they would have been married around 1915 or so. I looked the pattern up and it was made in England by the Johnson Brothers...just in case you were wondering.

Then, I tried my hand at taking a picture of tonight's eclipse, which I hope everyone had a chance to see because it was pretty cool. Of course, it was a little chilly outside, so I had a hard time keeping the camera steady making it appear that there is more than one moon. Guess I need to work on that one!

Then, there is always Bogie, our highly complex dog. I got down on the floor with him and took this one which I think pretty much captures his personality.

It seems as though I have been wanting to blog for awhile, but tonight is not going to be the night for any thoughtful observations. :)

Hope everyone is doing well...
JAH

Family

2008-01-28T17:42:00.000-05:00

This past few days, I've been thinking about families. When I think of my family at this point in my life, I think of my husband, Dan, and our children, Carrie and Isaac. I love my family very much and feel that I have been greatly blessed by their presence in my life. But, as is with most of us, we have another family as we move outward from our little circle. We have parents and, in my case, four brothers, their wives, their children, etc., etc. When I think of my parents, I have very fond memories of them, not really any bad ones, at least none that come to mind. My brothers are all older than I am and I really don't remember the two oldest ones living at our house. It is my understanding, and I will be happy to keep it that way, that the five of us get along. There have been times when, due to certain circumstances, we have been closer than at other times. At this point in our history, we aren't all together very much - and sometimes I wonder if we ever will be. It is hard then, when you know that one of them is suffering very much and they seem to live a million miles away and the phone conversations that you have never seem to do much good. These are the times that I wish we weren't so far apart and that we talked a lot more often and kept up on each others lives and where we are all at in them. I would assume the same is true in many families today. We get busy and we live our separate lives whether we live across the street or across the country. It is really sad when you realize that someone you used to eat supper with, watch TV with, argue with, joke with is somehow facing life on their own and those growing up days can't be recreated except in our memories. So I guess we all do what we can when we can and hope that in some small way it makes a difference and that we somehow all feel a connection even through the distance.

I had a telephone conversation with my oldest brother last week, which has probably happened more in the last year than in the previous ten. He recently purchased the farm that connects with the "home place". The family that used to farm it were good friends with our family for years. Every summer we would have a big picnic at our house and swim in the pool and have a great time. After my father died, we just didn't seem to do that so much anymore. But they were almost like a second family to me when I was growing up. When the mother died shortly after my mother, the farm was going up for auction. I guess the whole ordeal was pretty sad as none of the three kids are speaking anymore and one made quite the scene at the sale. My brother said the whole thing was quite embarrassing for everyone who was there. What happened? I know my mom was so worried that we would all be fighting over "stuff", which by the way, we have not been. I guess I hope we can all honor our parents by honoring each other. We may not be the Waltons, but we can all sit together around a table. Anyway, this whole thing made me feel bad, but I know the parents of these kids would be really happy to know that my brother is farming their land and my nephew will be living in their home.

I have been working on my hutch that my brother made me. I tried something a little different when I painted it. It was called "distressing". It is funny how we get something new and try to make it look old. I think it is turning out pretty good and I am anxious to get the china back in it to see how it all comes together. Pictures will be forthcoming.

Time for supper -
JAH

Questions Anyone?

2008-01-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

Today is one of the Mondays that I do not have to work.It is really nice to have a four-day weekend. Friday, Dan and I were able to have a sort of "vacation" day - going to breakfast, to a movie, etc., and it was a great day. Saturday evening we went to a photography workshop, and although much of it was over my head, it did reinforce my desire to learn about what all our camera and a computer could do. I will be glad when it is a bit warmer outside, so we can go out on a photograph hunt and try out all of the different options. Sunday, Carrie surprised us at church and then went to lunch with us. It is always nice to get caught up on what her news and info is.

Today, I went to Bluffton and took my mother's engagement ring to a jewelry store to see if they could resize it for me. They thought they would have it done in two weeks. They will probably have to build up the band as my mom had already had it enlarged once. Then it was lunch with Dan and some time on the treadmill.

I also had some time to look ahead at the classes I am signed up for this semester. (This, in case you are wondering is where the title and graphic come in to play.) In reading the descriptions for the upcoming classes - I'm thinking to myself that these do not interest me too much. Now, I know that everyone has to take classes that don't interest them, but these are some of the main classes for my degree. I have had a few people ask me as of late, what I am going to school for, and today on the treadmill I came to the conclusion that I really don't know. I've always wanted to finish my Bachelor's Degree, but today I am beginning to question why. Don't get me wrong, I believe very strongly in the value of an education. But, I'm wondering at this point in my life, if it is what I should be doing. I don't know. I'm rambling. My dilemma comes in thinking about what sort of job I would want to do when I finish. And...I have no idea. When I think about the things I really enjoy doing, they do not seem like really "employable" things. What to do...what to do...

Hopeful though confused -
JAH

Resolutions Resolved

2008-01-16T15:41:00.000-05:00

Now that it is the 16th day of January, I have decided to put my resolutions to "paper" so to speak, so that they can be reviewed by me throughout the year to see how I'm doing. Some of these aren't even resolutions for this year, more just stuff I'd like to do someday before I make my final exit. So, in no particular order, here they are (I reserve the right to add, edit and delete).

Go to a fun concert with Dan. This doesn't have to be far away, just fun. / Make some trips to Findlay and Anderson for supper or breakfast or lunch or whatever. No reason needed. /
Go to my moms and clean up/out the house. I hate going there because it looks terrible. There are too many things that are just going to get ruined and go to waste because of the weather and bugs and other nasty critters. / Have people over more. This is one from last year and one that I think should be on from now until forever. I don't think people just get together to visit enough anymore. I remember my mom getting together with the neighbor ladies over for coffee just for the heck of it. Busyness of life has taken its toll on relationships -- we should try to stop that. / Take a photography class to make the most of the camera we bought. We are going to a workshop in January, which will be a good start. / Try to keep in touch with my nieces and nephews a little better and get the family together at least once a year - besides weddings and funerals. / Clean out every closet in our house. We would have a little more space if we got rid of stuff we don't use. Also - the desk and the file cabinets! Keep walking on the treadmill at least three times a week (preferably four). Stay away from fast food. / Keep going to school - some day graduate and actually go through a ceremony. / Do some painting at church and at our house. / Visit our friend Joan in Washington DC. / Really enjoy every moment of our 25th anniversary trip!!

Long-term goals: Take a long weekend trip with Carrie before - seems strange to say this - she gets married. / Take another family vacation to somewhere. / Go to Colorado to see my brother.

Okay, that is probably enough for now. There will probably be a few more that get added to the list.

Now, a few more family pictures to share.

This is Tim and Elizabeth. Tim is my youngest brother's oldest. Dan was given the honor of doing their marriage ceremony in April of 2007. He is now officially a doctor and is currently doing his residency at Genesis Hospital in Davenport, Iowa. His lovely wife is a nurse in a cardiologist's office.

On the right is a picture of my oldest brother, Terry, holding his granddaughter, Emma (featured in a previous post). I don't ever remember Terry living at our house as he was married and had made me an aunt by the time I was six. He has been farming the family farm since my father passed away in 1981. His son, Michael, farms with him.

This little guy is Arthur (the big guy is Santa, of course). He is one of my great nephews and is really quite enjoyable. When Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he simply pointed at the bag of candy sitting on the floor. He was quite happy when he received his request instantly! He is one of my second brothers grandsons.

Well, time to sign off for now. I hope 2008 has started off well for everyone.

Staying hopeful -
JAH

And So It Begins

2008-01-01T14:27:00.001-05:00

Another year has begun. It is still hard for me to believe that the year is now 2008, but believe it or not, here it is. The holiday season is now basically over and on Saturday, I will go ahead and take down the decorations. I usually do it on New Year's Day, but my hubby and I were just kind of enjoying having a "lounging around the house" day, so I figured they could stay up until the weekend. It isn't as though I have something in every nook and cranny anyway, so the process won't be that time consuming.

I read back over my goals list for 2007. Some of them I can check off, some of them, well, no one is perfect. I will probably come up with a new list for this year, but I kind of like to let the start of the year sink in a little bit first. I don't really think of them as resolutions - something that I am that resolved about doing - but more like things I would like to do this year.

One thing that Dan and I purchased for Christmas was a new digital camera. I hope to learn how to use it more proficiently and effectively, but I will leave this start to the new year with a few pictures from the holidays.

This is one of my great-nieces, Emma. Her mother was the flower girl at our wedding and she is really quite enjoyable to be around. To me, she looks just like her grandfather which would be my oldest brother, Terry. As people were leaving she would wave and tell them to "drive safe" which was about the sweetest thing you could have heard. She is almost 2 years old.

The picture on the left is a group of the most wonderful girls. In the back row on the left is my niece Vikki. She is in nurses training in California. Next is my niece Laura, she is in school in Florida. My lovely daughter Carrie is holding my youngest great niece, Elizabeth. In the next row are four of my other great nieces. Elena, Jennifer, Hannah and again, Emma. Elizabeth, Hannah and Jennifer are sisters and are the daughters of my oldest nephew, Michael.

Having mentioned Michael, this is the whole family, including his lovely wife, Kate and Santa (played by Kate's brother). Michael was more like a little brother to me than a nephew as they lived in the house right next door to us and we are actually closer in age (6 years) than I am with any of my older brothers. He will have his hands full some day with three cute daughters to keep track of. He and Kate do a great job - I wish I had her energy and patience.

Now to switch to the other side of the family. This is a picture of Dan's sisters boys, Kevin and Kyle with Isaac and Carrie. Each year for Christmas, Dan's dad get the boys some sort of winter attire, usually a coat and hat or gloves, or in the case of 2007, vests and hats. Carrie is modeling her new fleece jacket. They are usually pretty cooperative with getting "the picture". It amazes me how much they have grown up already. I remember when Carrie was by far the tallest in this group picture.

Well, I feel like I have shared the old home movies of our family vacation. But, for historical purposes and because I think family is important (the older I get the more precious these pictures are to me) you will have to suffer through. Plus, with Dan's help, I have finally gotten the hang of getting the pictures from the camera to the computer to this blog. I have more that will probably be making appearances from time to time.

Well my job here is done for now. I wanted to start the year off with a post on January 1. Check. I hope everyone had a safe and happy start to this new year and many blessings to all of you.

Peace and hope for 2008 -
JAH

Has It Been This Long?

2007-12-27T16:37:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since I put up a post. I actually thought I had done one since my "interesting" class experience, but either I dreamed it or it didn't work. Either way, here I am again.

My Understanding Diversity class is done. I'm glad. I have decided that the people I took this class with really weren't all that interested in learning about diversity or anything else for that matter. I guess for some it just boils down to getting a piece of paper after a series of classes. Learning is not necessarily the point of college for everyone. I can't say that the class was all that inspiring, but some of the reading was enlightening, so I'll be satisfied with that.

Christmas has now come and gone. We were able to take Carrie and Isaac along with Drew and Laura out for a nice dinner. I'm glad that we can all get together and enjoy one another's company. Our Sunday service was very nice with the decorating of the tree. Some people had funny comments to share and others were quite touching. I think it means more to have a tree that we all contributed to instead of one that looks like it belongs in a department store. Sunday we made the drive to Illinois in what seemed like a hurricane. We had a nice time at my brother's house. There were enough little children there this year that the excitement factor about the whole event seemed to be in the air. Plus, it always seems to bring some life to a gathering when you hear the sounds of little voices in the room.

Monday brought Christmas Eve. We spent the day at Dan's parents' house and it was quite relaxing. We had a nice lunch with all the trimmings and then played cards in the afternoon while the kids read and watched some TV. We went to church that evening and I enjoyed getting to sit together as a family. Sometimes it nice to not have any responsibility at a service. Dan's sister and her boys arrived late that night and the unwrapping of gifts took place.

Tuesday morning was the drive back to Indiana which went pretty smoothly. Carrie and Isaac both had plans that night, so Dan and I enjoyed a Christmas frozen pizza. All in all, the holiday was pretty low-key, which was quite enjoyable. I was glad I took Wednesday off to kind of unwind.

My brother is coming out this weekend to bring a hutch he made to put on top of a chest of drawers that I have. Hopefully, my grandmother's and/or mother's china will be finding a home there once I get it all painted.

Guess that pretty much brings everyone up to date with my life. Hope everyone had a great holiday and will start 2008 out wonderfully!

Peace -
JAH

The Problem with Prejudice

2007-11-29T15:43:00.000-05:00

How many times has anyone been in a conversation with someone and you hear, "I'm not prejudice, but...."? Of course you know the next thing that is going to be said is going to be some sort of racist or derogatory remark about someone or some group of people. It happens. I'm guilty. But what if you feel, say, justified in your thoughts? This can be a troubling thing when you confront yourself with them.

Case in point. I am currently taking a class called "Understanding Diversity". On Monday, we were to present a brief summary about an article we were assigned (each of us a different one) and what we learned from it. My article was about an immigrant woman from India. Each person's was different. Now, after the articles had all been presented, somewhat of a free flow of discussion ensued. I have to admit, I was shocked and somewhat taken back by the comments that were coming from each person's mouth. I will not dignify them by repeating them, but I would have thought I was in the 1950's at a segregation meeting or something. I was disappointed that the instructor allowed them to continue as long as she did as I sat getting red-faced and somewhat shaky in my seat. She finally asked me what was on my mind and I basically said that I just didn't even know where to start. I briefly stated some of my feelings and left it at that realizing that I seemed to be the only person (other than the instructor who seems to want to keep everyone happy) who thought everyone was, well, crazy. The class continued on and I made a quick exit wondering if I could actually sit through three more classes like this.

Okay, so herein lies the problem. I got in my car and was basically fuming. Several words were coming to my mind - I'm sure you can imagine some of them - as I started the drive home anticipating unloading all of my frustrations onto my husband when I walked through the front door. (Which I did and he patiently listened.) About half way home, as I was wondering how anyone could view another human being with such contempt and loathing - I realized how much of those feelings were pulsing through my bloodstream at that very moment. I quickly tried to rationalize those thoughts by thinking that I was right to feel the way I did and they were so very wrong. I do believe they were wrong - so was I. I had to admit to myself that at the very same time God is loving all of the people they were trashing and saying horrible things about, He was loving them, too. At the same time they were lumping people into stereotypical groups - I was doing the same to them, too. I hate those moments when you realize you are guilty of the very thing you are so angry at other people for doing.

So the problem with prejudice is...it is so very hard to rise above. So, for all of you praying folks out there, keep me in your prayers next Monday evening. Pray that I would be obedient to God and not to my emotions. Pray that some light would come from me to expel any darkness that would be in that room. Pray that the words coming out my mouth would be His.

Hoping for hope to shine through-
JAH

Christmas Is Coming

2007-11-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is now history and the start of the official Christmas season has begun. This year seems to be going by even more quickly than the previous one. I guess time does fly the older one gets.

This past Saturday, the Christmas decorations emerged from the garage, storage shed and other various creative storage spots we have tried to find. Last year, I had trouble getting in to the whole decoration scene, but this year, for some reason, I actually did a little more than I have the past few years. I think I am developing a sense of nostalgia and wish that we had, over the years, developed more traditions in our family. Growing up, my parents were the prime example of understated enthusiasm about pretty much everything. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood with great memories, but everything at our house was pretty low key. Now, I have no desire to have the holidays turn in to a stressful, can't-get- everything-done-that-we-always-do event, but I'm just actually really looking forward to the season this year. There is just something nice about sitting in your living room to the glow of Christmas tree lights with the soundtrack from the Charlie Brown Christmas playing in the background. Now, if only there was some gently falling snow...

Anyway...I guess my prayer for this year is to really enjoy each family moment that we can have and to focus more on the reason we celebrate this season in the first place. For so many people complaints about people not being able to say "Merry Christmas" because of the religious significance are the topic of conversation. My question is, for most of us, do we really even celebrate Christmas because of the religious significance or is it just another holiday where we buy gifts, get grumpy, overspend and over eat? I don't want to be a part of that holiday. I want to celebrate the fact that a young couple was obedient to God, Christ left heaven and came to earth in a humble way because He actually cared about all of us and because of that, we can have peace of mind and joy in our hearts and can actually pass that on to the rest of the world. Now that is something worth celebrating.

Remembering the hope that we all can have -
JAH

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T20:22:00.000-05:00

The day is drawing to a close and it was a nice day. Although Dan was up early, I actually slept a little later than I usually would on a Thursday, which was nice. Isaac was around last night and Carrie rolled in fairly early this morning to help with the meal preparations. Drew came over and joined us as well and all in all, the meal came off without any problems. Then it was cleanup, football, nap, football, reheat, eat, and now I'm taking a little break from homework. I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, but I guess it is what it is.

It is hard to believe another Thanksgiving Day has come and gone, but I know I have much to be thankful for. I have been blessed with a great husband who has stuck by me through the good, bad and ugly for nearly 27 years of being together (almost 25 now of marriage). It's truly more than I could ever deserve, but somehow looking across the table at someone and knowing them and wanting them to know you is a feeling I can't explain. We have great kids who seem to have found people who make them happy and who they seem to want to make happy as well, which is probably the most important thing. It is great to have them here and to hear their voices in the house. Even Bogie got in on some bites of turkey and likes laying in the middle of the room keeping an eye on everyone.

Now, things are quiet. It is kind of that nice "snuggled" in feeling that I think we so often take for granted. I hope anyone who happens to read this also had family or friends to share the day with. Many blessings to you all.

JAH

Monday...But Things Are Well

2007-11-05T15:40:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty ordinary Monday as far as Mondays go. Work went okay - nothing too exciting, but it was a little busier than it has been, which is good for making the time move along a little quicker - dare I say, faster.

The family had a really nice weekend. Dan's birthday concert was good. Friday we went out for supper and saw American Gangster - again, good. Saturday, Dan and I went out for lunch - do you see a pattern - mine was good, his...well, not so good, but we had a nice time. Saturday afternoon I studied for my big final tonight. One class down - who knows how many more to go at this point. But, that's okay. I've started and I made it through the first one. Sunday was a great day. Carrie and Isaac were both home, which is always nice. Church went really well - had a couple of visitors even. We had another nice lunch out which included Carrie's boyfriend Drew and his friend Tom. Our friends had cake complete with candles for Dan Sunday night, which was a very nice, unexpected (sort of :) ) surprise. It still amazes me at times, even when life has seemed a little "off", you can have those days where everything seems to come together and you realize just how wonderfully blessed you are. It doesn't take too much looking around to see people who are losing their families. People who don't seem to have any hope for anything but getting a check and paying the bills. People with no one to talk to or share their day with. People who have kids that have wandered far away from them. Husbands and wives who look forward to being apart more than they look forward to being together. Yes. I have been blessed. I have no idea why, but I sure am thankful.

As some of you may know, this marks the one year anniversary of losing my mom. (Thank you Carrie for the text message this morning.) Strange term, as I didn't misplace her, but yet, just don't know exactly where she is. I know, as a Christian she is in heaven. But, when you really start to try and wrap your mind around that, you just wonder, where exactly is that. Someone can be lying there, in a hospital bed being your mom. Then, they're still right there, but now they are "gone". What happens in that split second of leaving this earth and going on to eternity? I have thought a lot about the last week of mom's life. It wasn't one I would have wished for her. She would have been much happier to have simply fallen asleep in her recliner watching the guys working out in the yard. I guess that is what is the hardest part in some ways - not that she's gone, which is inevitable, but how she had to leave. For four and a half days I talked with her, not knowing if she could heard a word I said, but I hope she somehow knew that she wasn't alone. I guess maybe that's all we can hope for as we leave this world and go to the next one. The red bird is for her. Red was by far her favorite color and she always had bird feeders out on her porch.

To my family and friends who read this, know that you mean the world to me. Along with my faith, you all give me great hope.

JAH

Time Passing

2007-11-01T15:16:00.000-05:00

Another month has begun which is bringing a close to this year. This past year has brought about many changes in life - but I guess life is always going to be full of change.

Although not trying to dwell on things, it was a year ago today that I had my last conversation with my mom. I wish I could say it was some sort of deep, spiritual experience, but it mainly consisted of me trying to get someone to understand that she wasn't feeling well and that there was no way Dan and I could take her out of the hospital. I hated seeing her look frightened and being of little comfort. Sometimes I can remember things in little details, other times, it is just kind of a blur. However, the night before this, we watched Jeopardy, we visited, she wanted to know what I was planning on doing with the piano, she hoped all of us kids wouldn't fight over things. It is almost as if she knew she wasn't going home again...

I think mom would say she had a good life. She had some hard times, losing dad when they were only in their mid-50s, which is seeming younger and younger to me everyday. She was always happy that we all wanted to spend time with her, liked hanging out in her kitchen, and her grandkids would always stop in to say "hello" when they were around. She had friends in the neighborhood that she visited with and basically spent her entire life in an area of about 10 square miles except for her time at college and student teaching. I wonder sometimes if you begin to be conscious of the fact that you are not going home again. That you will not tell the person you have slept next to for years "good night and I love you" again. Not trying to be sad, but just trying to realize that time on this earth is finite. It will not last forever. My friend Joan had a post about the words we say. I guess that's what made me think about it. One thing I will always be thankful for is good memories of my parents - I am quite certain not everyone has them.

On another note - Dan and I get to go see John Mellencamp tonight for an early birthday celebration - Happy Birthday tomorrow, my dear. I think a concert will be a good thing. We used to not live in a place where we could do things like this, so I'm glad we are able to take advantage of those opportunities now.

Keeping the hope alive -
JAH

Look for the Colors

2007-10-16T21:33:00.000-05:00

This has been a bit of a trying week for me. I had a disappointment on the employment front, but I'm trying to move on from that and will begin to search again. But, as the picture shows, there can be those bright moments - like when you come home to find some flowers on the table and a nice note from your husband and you know, no matter what, they're right there in your corner. Thanks, Dan. You're the best.

Also on a bright note, I have actually starting taking a class. It is going pretty well and I think the info I'm learning will be applicable in several areas of life. So far, I haven't felt too out of place - our out of my league, but we'll see once I take my mid-term on Monday. Yikes, it's been awhile!

Carrie and Isaac were home for a visit this past weekend, which was a great treat having them both here at the same time. We have great kids - another bright spot in life.

Our extended families are having their struggles and it is always hard when you're far away and seem a little disconnected from all of them. Phone conversations are always hard when you know the problems are way bigger than that. So, unfortunately, sometimes there are just no conversations which probably isn't good either. Life can be hard.

Tomorrow we are going to apply for our passports for our anniversary trip this spring. We haven't decided for sure where we're going, but at this point I think anyplace will be great. It seems like it has been forever since we have been able to take time off to take a fun trip for just the two of us. In fact, I could probably go tomorrow...

Well, hope everyone out there is doing well and finding their own little color in the world.

Keep hoping -
JAH

It's Monday...

2007-09-24T11:17:00.000-05:00

Well, as Mondays go, this was pretty typical. We had a freezer not working quite right so I was shuffling things from one place to another and, after repairs, moving them back again. After a very busy weekend, which is not a bad thing, the cupboards here were basically empty so everything and then some had to be done. Given the problems in the world, these were really just minor inconveniences. They just always seems worse at 8 am on Monday morning. Tomorrow will be another day.

On a good note, Dan and I did make it to the Museum of Art in Ft. Wayne on Saturday. I suppose I have seen small art exhibits at different places from time to time, but this was my first trip to an actual art museum. I really enjoyed it. At first, I would look at different pieces and wonder what the artist was trying to say when they created it. I finally decided there was really no possible way I could determine that, nor did it probably matter. So I then began to just look at things and tried to appreciate the uniqueness of each thing, the colors, and just how they made me feel at the moment. I would definitely go back when a new exhibit begins. I thought it was money well spent. If I ever make it back to New York, I will go to a museum there.

We had an interesting Sunday School class this week. The topic was fairly political and we had more people than usual, so that made for some interesting conversation. Church went well even though the crowd was small. The music sounded good and Dan gave an excellent sermon, as usual.

This will be a busy week. Wednesday we are heading down to Anderson to see Isaac play again. Thursday we will be heading to Illinois and returning on Saturday. I am trying to do a little painting around the house. Of course, the more I look around, the more I notice that needs done. I'm trying to just take one thing at a time and not freak myself out.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Hope all is well with you...

JAH

Thursday...

2007-09-20T12:04:00.000-05:00

Today is pretty much an ordinary day. It is Thursday, September 20. I realized this morning that it is my dad's birthday today - he would have been 82 years old. Hard to believe that he left this earth over 26 years ago. But, when I think of how much of life has changed since then, I suppose 26 years have definitely happened. Basically, memories of my dad are all good. He was just one of those guys that everyone seemed to like. He was quiet. His life pretty much revolved around his wife, kids, church and farming. He really liked animals. He really, really liked the grandchildren that he got to see. He didn't like to travel. It sucks that I only knew him for 17 years, but I realize, especially now that I've been around for awhile, 17 good years are a lot more than some people ever have. So, there is that.

I had a really nice dinner out the other day with my friend, Joan. She is getting ready to head to Washington D.C. and will take on the task of helping people stand up for those who have a hard time standing up for themselves. That is, without a doubt, an oversimplification of the task at hand, but for these purposes... Anyway, we weren't friends who spent large amounts of time together, but the conversations that we did have were good and I will miss knowing that she is there as a support for Dan and I. Her younger son and our son have been the best of friends since 7th grade, so we will hopefully always know about each others' families no matter where we all end up.

Dan and I have both seemed to be really tired lately. We have actually went to bed at 9:30 pm, which is a rare occasion for us. Neither one of us seem to be getting a real restful sleep. Not sure why. This Saturday we are going to try and go take in some nearby sights that we have never taken the time to see. I am looking forward to that.

It is time to go back to work - for what, I don't know. I have to say, I really dislike working here more and more...

Here's hoping for hope -
JAH

Okay...so it's been awhile

2007-09-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

Seems like it's been forever since I did this. Actually it has almost been a couple of months. Not sure why it has taken so long, but guess that's just the way it is.

Guess I've had some random thoughts lately and maybe writing some of them down will make them all make perfect sense - to someone anyway.

Families are a strange thing. I'm sure for most people, this concept is not anything new and I'm sure to some people "strange" would be an understatement. In this context, I'm talking about my siblings. There are five of us - I have four older brothers. True, I was kind of the spoiled one, being the youngest by nine years and the only girl. Now, as we are all adults, that doesn't seem to play near as big of a role in all of our lives as it did growing up. However, I think I am beginning to realize that my world and their world may not be the same world. Now that both of our parents are gone and we are still going through the process of figuring out what to do with a house full of my their possessions, things are somehow beginning to take on a different light. Don't get me wrong, none of us are fighting over the silver, but everyone certainly does have a different attitude about the whole process. I think the hardest part for me is still coming to grips with the fact that the nest time I pull into the driveway, mom isn't going to be standing there at the door giving me the signature wave that she had. I don't know if it is simply because, having lived away for a period of time, I can go about life as usual and figure that life as usual is still going on there. There are still times when I think that I need to include something in the weekly letter or maybe that something actually warrants a phone call only to realize that...well... you get the picture. Maybe that is why I have dragged my feet so long. I guess once that house is empty, there is no putting stuff back. There is no going back in a seeing things "as usual". Okay, enough of that thought...

We got a letter from my niece the other day. Her and her husband are getting ready to head off to the mission field next year and they are beginning the process of raising support. They are planning on going to Pakistan. Wow. This is not exactly a walk in the park from my understanding of current events. To top it off, they just had their first child in March. This is something, in my understanding, that they have planned on doing for several years. He is actually a lawyer and I believe she majored in Spanish or something along those lines. I hope things fall into place for them and I hope my brother and his wife aren't totally freaking out as I know I may be if it were Carrie or Isaac. I'm just glad they are following what they believe is the way to go. But still...wow.

Okay, there is probably a bunch of other stuff I could write her for clarity of thought, but I think it is time to get some food. Hope all is well in your world.

Staying hopeful -
JAH

Chapter 3 - False Dangers

2007-07-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

Back from conference in Decatur, Illinois and trying to get back on track with all of those things life throws at us. My foot is still in a big boot, but hopefully on Monday, it will be history (the boot, not my foot). Carrie has headed off to Findlay, so things seem kind of strange, but there is a big pile of her stuff still in the kitchen, so she doesn't seem all that far away.

On to the book. This chapter talks about the false dangers we sometimes worry about when it comes to worshiping God. He points to how we attempt to "manage" our encounters with God - calling it our attempt to domesticate Him. I thought that was a pretty good observation. When you think about all of the Biblical encounters with God, they were usually anything but safe or manageable. Most people instinctively fell on their faces. I wonder how God feels when we are sitting in a worship service thinking about where we're going for lunch, nodding off, not paying attention, thinking about how we don't care for what is going on, etc., etc.

I suppose really, when you think about it, the God we claim to worship is anything but safe. When you read about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, having faith in God was probably anything but safe to them by our definition. But, they actually feared idolatry more than fire. As the author says, "The furnace was blazing hot, a dramatic threat. Idolatry by comparison was quiet, invisible, barely noticeable when everyone else was already on their knees." Do we really know where the real danger lies?

The author lists six false dangers: Worship That's Not Under Control, Worship that Doesn't Seem Relevant, Worship that Doesn't Meet Expectations, Worship that Isn't Popular, Worship That's Unfamiliar. In other words, we want what's safe.

Here are his final thoughts on this:

"Safe worship. It's the kind of primrose path that draws us but misleads us. It has the allure of beauty but can mask pain, alienation, injustice. It can leave us feeling better but does nothing to help others who suffer. It can occupy so much energy and time that it leaves us too tired for ministry that might actually take us to where the needs are greatest. It can lead us to feel faith, but not actually to believe. It can lead us to imply we are trusting, without ever really taking a risk. It can preoccupy us with the false dangers of worship while we miss the real ones. It leaves us safe--which can mean lost, disengaged, disconnected, disinterested. So we often leave our services with what we came for, which sadly and ironically means we have little more than when we arrived. For better and worse, everything that matters is at stake in worship."

How does my life and attitude of worshiping God need to change so that I'm not just the same person day after day always wishing I could make changes in my life, but never really doing anything about it. Where does my true hope come from?

Needing to be more radical-
JAH

Chapter Two - The Real Battle Over Worship

2007-07-12T16:07:00.000-05:00

Quoting from THE DANGEROUS ACT OF WORSHIP

For all our apparent passion about God, in the end much of our worship seems to be mostly about us.

What is ironic and especially pertinent is that many debates about worship are just indirect ways of talking about ourselves, not God. Our debates can readily devolve into little more than preference lists for how we like our worship served up each week. It's worship as consumption rather than offering; it's an expression of human taste--not a longing to reflect God's glory.

If we worship Jesus Christ, then we are to live like Jesus Christ: (Luke 9:23-24) Then (Jesus) said to them all, 'If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it.'

The heart of the battle over worship is this: our worship practices are separated from our call to justice and, worse, foster the self-indulgent tendencies of our culture rather than nurturing the self-sacrificing life of the kingdom of God. We are asleep. Nothing is more important than for us to wake up and practice the dangerous act of worship, living God's call to justice.

Part of the malady of our culture and discipleship efforts is this tragic rationale: that in the face of global need, if we can't do everything, we can't do anything. We are paralyzed, inert.

Part of what stunned and excited me when I came to faith in Christ was the discovery that if Jesus Christ was Lord, it mattered for all people everywhere. That meant God's heart was both personal and global. The kingdom of God was no small, myopic project but rather the transformation of everyone and everything. 'For God so loved the world...'--that those who follow him are to do the same.

God's plan is that we, the church, are to be the primary evidence of God's presence. The core of a biblical theology of worship is the worthiness of God.

To be centered on God means first discovering that God is our center and then living lives focused on the things that matter to God. We reflect the worthiness of God by how we love and serve whomever and whatever God considers to be of worth.

Out of God's love for his people and their love for God will come an effluence of mercy and justice in the world: shalom. This common Hebrew word for greeting means "peace," but it also includes much more than the word typically calls to mind. Shalom includes our individual and collective well-being, our health, our safety and our completeness.

A broken relationship with God leads to broken relationships with one another. God's purpose is to restore and heal both.

His (Jesus) words and his actions drew the marginalized and the outcast. He loved the Father by loving those the Father loved. These cannot be separated. Jesus redefined the meaning of neighbor in the shocking story of the good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37).

When we or anyone besides God assumes the central role, life whips us out of alignment -- lots of motion with destructive wear and significant damage.

Vigorous biblical practice of worship should stop, or at least redirect, our endless consumerism, as our free choice to spend less in order to give away more. Our worship should be recognizable by the lives it produces, one that plainly evidences the broad, sacrificial and persevering commitment of Jesus Christ. Our community reputation, as Scripture suggests, should be that the church comprises those who pursue justice for the poor and oppressed because that is what it means to be Christ's body in the world. We should not fool ourselves into thinking that it's enough to feel drawn to the heart of God without our lives showing the heart of God.

--------------------------------------

Another summary of my "underlinings".

As for the rest of life, my foot is still in this big boot thing that is most annoying when I try to sleep. I was thinking today while doing the pre- and post-shower ritual about people who take care of others unable to take care of themselves. I cannot even begin to think about the hours that some parents dedicate to the care of their children who were either born with or afflicted with some type of physical challenge that requires constant attention. My little procedure, relatively speaking, was simple and my complete recovery is expected and it is still a disruption to our lives. Some people must have incredible strength.

Tomorrow it is back to Findlay with Dan and Carrie to sign the lease for her apartment and finalize the paperwork for her new place of employment. I am excited for her and know she will be awesome at the job awaiting her.

Hope everyone out there is doing well and keeping the hope alive -
JAH

Chapter One - What's at Stake in Worship?

2007-07-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

Quoting from THE DANGEROUS ACT OF WORSHIP

Worship names what matters most: the way human beings are created to reflect God's glory embodying God's character in lives that seek righteousness and do justice.

Worship turns out to be the dangerous act of waking up to God and to the purposes of God in the world, and then living lives that actually show it.

Worship can name a Sunday gathering of God's people, but it also includes how we treat those around us, how we spend our money, and how we care for the lost and the oppressed.

Scripture indicates that worship is meant to be the tangible embodiment of God's hope in the world. Conversely, the Bible also teaches that the realities of oppression, poverty and injustices can be both a call to worship and an indictment of our failure to do so.

When worship is our response to the One who alone is worthy of it - Jesus Christ - then our lives are on their way to being turned inside out.

...The VBS production featured everything money and time could buy and was so central and primary that the gospel felt small and incidental in comparison.

...The privileges of churches like these can shroud the gospel in such middle- and upper-class consumer-oriented style and content that salvation subtly becomes more about providing a warm blanket of cultural safety than about stepping out into the bracing winds of spiritual sacrifice.

One-sixth of the world's population lives in absolute poverty, and nearly a million children each year are sold or forced into the sex-trafficking trade. But this is not just about statistics--it's about real lives. People with names and families are living daily without food or water, in sickness and oppression. ...they are circumstantially without hope. Every day.

...where is the evidence that through worship our lives have actually been redefined and realigned with God's heart for justice in the world?

...worship services that offer little more than comfort food: the baked potatoes of love, the melting butter of grace, with just enough bacon and chives of outreach to ease the conscience. All this becomes a churchly anesthetic.

Waking up is the dangerous act of worship.

God's criticism of Israel was that it professed what it failed to live.

"What does the LORD required of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

Faithful worship means finding our life in God and practicing that life in the world, especially for the sake of the poor, the oppressed and the forgotten.

---------
I actually started to reread this book - this time with a highlighter. Please hang in there with me while I summarize each chapter here so I can first of all, let it sink in a little more and second of all, have a handy summary for myself.

Reawakening to the hope there is -
Jah

Let's Get Dangerous

2007-07-05T08:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I have hobbled to the computer and am attempting to do this with one of my feet propped up on an open desk drawer. My life has been a bit different lately. My minor surgery seems to have been successful although I have yet to actually see what they did. Hopefully when they remove the bandages on Monday, the expression will be good and not a "well that's odd" look. I have also learned that TV is pretty much worthless, but I did start and complete a really great book. The title is THE DANGEROUS ACT OF WORSHIP Living God's Call to Justice by Mark Labberton. Dan and I both heard him speak at the National Pastor's Convention and, although we had not heard of him, decided he was our favorite speaker.

I enjoy reading. I don't do it as often as I should, which whether I want to admit it or not, is my own choice. There are a few books I have read though, this being one of them, that have to really seep in over a few days. It offered some really insightful ideas about how and why we worship. I have been trying to share some of the ideas with Dan, but they are still trying to form something in my own heart and mind, so it is hard at this point to articulate them. However, I did want to share some of the key points not only so that you could ponder them, but so that I could ponder them again.

"...we need to continue to grapple with whether our faith or our culture shapes our lives more. What are the distinctives that might lead us individually or as a community to live more kingdomlike lives? Here are some helpful questions....

"Are we ready to live life in God in our town, or do we still insist on living in our town and try to fit God in? Are we convinced that these two options are not the same thing? Are we convinced that God's serious plan for healing the nations in Jesus Christ involves us? That it means picking up our cross and laying down our claim to ourselves in real sacrifice, and that it will change our lives?

"Are we going to let our class, race, job or money set the terms and priorities of our life, or do we want to be seriously kingdom-minded and kingdom-hearted?

"Are we willing to let the gospel do the deep redefining work of establishing us in our new humanity, or will we only let it do a little sprucing up?

"Are we willing to let Sabbath-keeping redefine the weekly rhythms of our lives, calling us to lay down our activities, cease our multi-tasking, stop our consumption, recalibrate our priorities and redefine--for the sake of truly seeking God, for listening, differently and intently for the Spirit, for remembering the passions of God for love, justice and mercy? Are we ready to seek God in our personal and corporate worship so we live to God's great honor?

"Are we willing to do the hard work of thinking beyond the categories of conservative and liberal in order to allow the kingdom to reorder the categories of issues that matter and that escape easy categorization? Are we willing to do the hard work of acting out the consequences of seeking justice, even when the cost is that our sense of self and life is fundamentally altered?"

It wasn't necessarily a hard book to read, but the topic is definitely not light. The main premise for the book and the theme that is repeated throughout comes from Micah 6:8 "What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" It seems simple enough, but yet it seems to be so lacking in most of our lives and in the lives of our churches.

Now I am getting to that point where there is way too much info to share and my leg went to sleep quite some time ago. I hope I can continue this book report throughout my recuperation process. I know that the more I keep thinking about it, the more I want it to make a difference. I don't want to close it and think about the great points that were made and move on to check the channel guide one more time.

My leg is pretty much numb now, so I'll ramble on just a little longer. These past few months I have almost felt like my faith had ceased to exist. I know, that may be a bit overstated, but not by much. I have felt like most of my human relationships (with the exception of my immediate family - God doesn't give us more than we can handle as I think that would have put me over the edge) have been broken, or at least not functioning properly. I am learning once again that if my relationship with God is broken, well...you get the picture. The other day, someone, who can remain anonymous for now, said to me "God doesn't work". It kind of hit me in the stomach, that I had been living my life that way. Things weren't as I thought they should be and I was beginning to think that very same thing. Let's pack it in, go back to where we started, God doesn't work. The very day that was said to me, God gave us the opportunity to see that He is definitely not broken, and does indeed, still work. I am beginning to see that my vision of how life works needs to be redefined not just "spruced up".

This was much more than I started out to do, but thank you for indulging my own self-analysis of life.

Rekindling the hope -
JAH

The Long Defeat

2007-06-24T07:31:00.000-05:00

When I saw this title to an article in a magazine called RADIANT, I thought, "yeah, that sounds about right" so I decided to read on and see what Sara Groves had to say. In the end, although the title sounds pretty discouraging, it is actually an encouraging piece. The pullout quote is this..."There are many losing battles worth investing, in, simply because winning is not the point." Interesting. Winning is not the point??? I guess to summarize we need to do the right thing whether success, as currently defined in social, economic or human terms, is part of the equation or not. What must be realized, though, is this endeavor is tiring, costly and at times, lonely. The most well known example used is Mother Teresa. We see her as someone who accomplished great things - and she did - but the problem in Calcutta still exists. The battle has not been won. I am also sure she had many days where she was tired, wondered if it was all worth it and felt pretty alone, and that's okay. We can't help but believe that for every person she touched, it was worth it. Now...the question is, do I think it is worth it? Let's face it. Doing the easy thing is, well, easier. Many times it doesn't seem as tiring and most of the time it is probably a lot less lonely. So where is the encouraging part? I guess to me it is knowing that it is okay to question and wonder. Maybe it is better for us that we can't go through a list of accomplishments and revel in the successes we have had and feel like our job here on earth is done. I don't think that is the way it is supposed to be. I think the big thing in all of this is that we need others to encourage us. We need people to say that in light of eternity, fighting the battle, even if it is a battle within, is more than worth it.

Trying to keep the hope alive...
JAH

Holiness and Such

2007-06-05T14:34:00.000-05:00

"We're tempted by moralism because we've forgotten what God wants at the center." This quote begins the article Holy to the Core by Joel Scandrett in the May 2007 issue of CHRISTIANITY TODAY. I had read this article last month and then recently read it again. It emphasized that the mot basic meaning of the word "holy" is to be "set apart" or "dedicated" to God - to BELONG to God. I wanted to share some of the "underlinings" I made.

* While we've cast off old, legalistic notions of holiness, we've merely replaced them with private, moralistic notions. We act as if holiness were either outdated or something that characterizes only a small (if important) part of our lives.

*Prior to any consideration of morality, biblical holiness describes a unique relationship that God has established and desires with his people. This relationship has moral ramifications, but it precedes moral behavior. Before we are ever called to be good, we are called to be holy. Unless we rightly understand and affirm the primacy of this relationship, we fall into the inevitable trap of reducing holiness to mere morality.

*Contrary, then, to any notion of mere moral conformity, true holiness is a grateful collaboration with God in seeking to live out the form of human life that he intends.

*More than any other American value, the notion that we are the masters and proprietors of our own lives stands in direct opposition to our call to be set apart to God.

*So endemic is this narcissism that many American Christians see Jesus as little more than a means of augmenting their sense of self, either as a source of "health and prosperity" or of emotional "well-being." In either case, the self is allowed to continue as its own spiritual center, rather than taking its proper place in orbit around Jesus Christ, its true center.

*The call of God comes not to isolated individuals, but to a people: The people of Israel in the Old Testament and the people of Jesus, Jew and Gentile, in the New Testament.

*...we must never forget that the church is God-created, non-negotiable reality of which all disciples of Jesus are a part and to which we are called to commit and submit.

*There is no such thing as love for God that does not include love for God's people.

*To be set part as a member of Christ's bride is to participate in the church's worship.

*We are set apart as the church for the sake of others.

*To be holy, to be set apart to God, is never an end in itself but is always for the sake of the world.

To me, holiness would seem to be a completely unattainable state of perfection. Because of this, I always wondered why God would say, "Be Holy as I am Holy". But given this line of thought, holiness as setting yourself aside for God, it would be attainable. That is a scary thought - a more "no excuses" thought. We all want to use the reasoning that as mere humans, we just have to try hard to be good and nice and then God, because of Jesus, will understand when we totally mess everything up. Could it be that there is more required of us than that? Is this part of what it means to be crucified with Christ - being dead to our own desires and alive to His? How can it be any other way....

Birthdays and Travels

2007-06-01T07:42:00.000-05:00

First of all, today is our son Isaac's 19th birthday. By this time on that day, I was feeling pretty certain that things were going to be moving along pretty quickly. I remember calling my mom to watch Carrie and calling Dan at work to tell him to come home. I didn't sleep the entire night before - I guess it was a burst of energy. I still remember seeing Isaac for the first time. He had little swirls in his hair and he had long arms and fingers. He was a pretty mellow baby and that has carried through in his life. I cannot imagine having a finer son. It has been a joy watching him grow and seeing all of the stages he has went through in this life so far. Isaac started off incredibly shy and, although he has become much more outgoing, I can still see that shyness there...deep down. Thanks for nineteen great years, Isaac. You always said when you were little that you never wanted to grow up. You said your best day was to be at home. Funny how things change, but the change has been great. I look forward to seeing all that life brings your way and all that you bring to life.

Today we get to go to Nashville and I am really looking forward to the trip. It is always a great place to visit - walking around downtown is just great. Plus, we get to see a fantastic band and visit with some people that will be coming from all over the place. Lots of good stories to be heard...

Guess that is about it for this Friday morning.

Peace and hope to all -
JAH

Heading Out

2007-05-11T12:26:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I am heading out again for Illinois. Seems like I was just there - probably because I was. This time it is for a graduation instead of a wedding. Not quite as involved, which is good, but the trip will not be any shorter. Not too much to see on the way - lots of fields, fields and did I mention fields...

This will be the last graduation of this generation in my family. All of the grandkids are now "adults". I guess that makes my generation - well, even more adult. I feel bad that mom missed this last one and I know my brother does too. Mom had all of the kids' grad pictures on the wall (they are still on the wall) and one of the first things John mentioned when we were in the house again was that Erik's picture never made it. I am glad that at least all of the parents were around to see their kids graduate.

Sunday, of course, is Mother's Day. I made it through the buying of the card for Dan's mom but will be glad when all of the Hallmark-moment commercials are done. Of course, I can think of being a mother myself, which is a real joy.

Monday is anniversary number twenty-four for Dan and I. We have had good years and bad years, but I am thankful that we have stayed together. I can honestly say Dan is my very best friend and I enjoy all of the time we spend together whether it be getting groceries, going to a concert, watching TV, driving and talking or one of those fun nights at Applebees. I have been blessed with someone who is creative, thoughtful, thought provoking, sincere and still makes my heart beat faster when he comes into a room. Happy Anniversary, dear. I love you.

I hope everyone out there is staying hopeful, keeping the faith and sharing the love.

JAH

In God We TRUST??

2007-05-01T12:12:00.000-05:00

Just some thoughts. I have been seeing a lot of the new "In God We Trust" license plates. Now, I am not knocking them in anyway, but when you think about it, that is a pretty bold statement for most of us to make. I can understand "In God We Believe", but trust? That is a totally different idea altogether. Trust goes way beyond belief. Do I really trust God with my spouse, my kids, my time, my money, my life? In a way, just putting the word "my" in front of each item on the list pretty much answers my own question. I can believe there is a bridge across a river, but only when I'm willing to drive across it can I say that I trust it will hold me. To me, there are still a lot of areas in life where I'm not too trusting of God. So, if I really believe in what He says, what IS the problem? I don't know - something to ponder.

JAH

Remember the List....

2007-04-20T05:26:00.000-05:00

This morning I took a moment to look back at "the list". You know, that list from the beginning of the New Year. One of my goals was to remember the list, so at least I have done that! We also got a grill, knowing how to use it has still eluded me a bit, but the season is just beginning and I still have hope for that. Dan and I have been able to hang out a little more together and have taken in some cool, small-scale concerts at C2G. So...I still have a long way to go. Hopefully the weather will start to improve and with that my motivational level.

Today the kids and I are heading to Illinois to meet up with Dan for the wedding. Hopefully all will go well, but it will be good to have us all in one place again. Bogie was so happy that Isaac came home some time during the night, that he finally ended his hunger strike. He even ate again this morning and when he realizes he is getting in the car with us it may be more happiness than the poor little thing can take.

Speaking of Bogie - I almost became his twin last night. How you ask? It all started on Wednesday evening when I decided to add a few highlights to my hair. The amount was fine- but the color was somewhat orange and I really didn't like it too much. So, I decided to try some stuff I found at Walmart that was to remove artificial color from your hair so that you could recolor it. Perfect. Well, after I put the color remover on and rinsed it out - my hair was exactly the color of our dog. I will call it pumpkin. Not a good look although the family would have had something to talk about at the reception. So, I put the new color on and although it is at least a natural hair color, it isn't exactly what I was going for. This however will stay as I think one of these things burned right through to my brain.

Maybe this trip back to Buda will help with the restless feeling I have had. It has been one of those times when some things just don't seem to be quite as they should be. I was thinking about this time last year when we were into the full swing of Isaac's graduation plans. There have sure been an awful lot of big events in a year's time in our lives - some good, some bad. Maybe things just haven't quite gotten back into the correct flow for me yet and I guess that is okay - just a bit unsettling at times. But, the suitcase needs to be closed, the car packed and the adventure began.

Peace and hope to all of you -
JAH

Choices

2007-04-17T10:12:00.000-05:00

I am reading a book entitled It's Not My Fault but I think it is mostly about the choices we make in our life. Sometimes I think we feel that we have no choices - that our lives are somehow controlled by factors outside of ourselves, but in most cases, when you get right down to the heart of the matter - we do have a choice.

I can choose whether or not to eat the candy bar or the granola bar. I can decide what really needs to be done today and what could wait until tomorrow. I can say "yes" or I can say "no". I can lay on the couch or I can walk on the treadmill. I can make decisions or I can be passive. I can care or I can not care. The list could go on forever, but I will choose to stop it now.

Now don't get me wrong, I believe some things that we can agonize over probably really don't matter - like what kind of candy - I mean granola - bar to eat. But there are some things that really do matter in this life. There are things that we really should care about - our faith, our family, our environment, social justice, others, just to name a few. Yet, it would seem that so many of us just go through life, not thinking about what is going on around us. Not seeing that there is a hurting world that needs us to care about them the way Christ did. When will it all stop - and how? What will help us to make the choice to make the difference? ? ? Okay, some questions don't have simple answers, but could we all at least start asking the questions.

Enough for now...

JAH

Thinking

2007-04-15T06:22:00.000-05:00

Today is Sunday and I have a few minutes before it is time to head over to church for worship practice. I am actually waiting for the timer to go off on my hair color, so thought I would write about a few things that I've been thinking about lately - I have gray hairs to prove it...

Talked with Dan the other night about what it means to be Christ-like. We were sharing at our Bible Study about what it means to be Christian - and it really is an interesting question when you think about it. Everyone has a different idea of what that means and maybe we make it way too hard because the word has taken on a life of its own. Maybe we should think more in terms of what a disciple is. That is really what we are told to be - followers or maybe "learners" of Christ. Dan and I discussed that too many of us want to be "God-like". We want to be the controllers because we think we know what is best for ourselves, others and the world.

If you stop to think about it - Christ could have taken control of things. I believe He was God incarnate and I think He had all of God's power at His disposal - and yet He didn't do it. He could have stopped fighting and hunger and disease and hatred and, well the list goes on and on. Instead He just loved and cared about people in their situations and told them of a better life that would ultimately come to them even though their life here on earth may really be awful from time to time. He told people not to worry about being the social and or religious police, but to share with others about the possibilities that come with helping those in need. He brought a little of heaven down to earth and wants us to strive to do the same thing in our world.

Those of few of the things I've been thinking about. The timer has went off - time to go. Hope all is well with everyone.

Searching for Spring

2007-04-03T14:34:00.000-05:00

I hope springtime comes soon. There is something about putting your winter coat away and knowing that a fair amount of time will pass before you have to take it out again that makes you feel hopeful.

Dan and I went to C2G last night for open mic night. It was pretty interesting. There was one girl who read a poem that took a person's heart right out of their chest - at least it did mine. It was about "An Abused Angel". She was probably in middle school and ended the poem by saying "....An Abused Angel - it's me" or something along those lines. I cannot imagine even reading that poem let alone writing it and then reading it. Courage comes in all forms.

School has been on my mind quite a bit. I printed off the Excel program info from Huntington. I think I could use some of that young girl's courage. Maybe it is just that I want to be able to see farther down the road than we are allowed to, but I hate to go back to school still not knowing exactly what I want to do. I tried taking a mental inventory of things I like to do and the way I see myself. Not too helpful. There are certain things that I really enjoy talking about and even feel excited about, but not too sure where they fit into the job market. Maybe that isn't even the point. I don't know...

Tonight I am taking a friend out for a belated birthday supper while Dan has a council meeting. Her mom passed away a couple of years ago while we actually were working together. So, it will be nice to visit with her for a little while.

I guess mom is on my mind a bit more than usual as her birthday is Monday. She would have been 82 this year. It's funny how you miss someone that you really didn't see all that often. I guess that's the way family is. Even though you don't talk or see each other all the time, you always think they are just a phone call away. I guess there are still times that I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I have no parents anymore. At least I will always be thankful for the life that they gave me. I only hope and pray that our kids feel the same way.

It was a beautiful morning today, but the clouds have rolled in. I know spring will be in full swing soon and that gives a person hope. If I don't get back here before - have a blessed Easter. That will always be our ultimate hope - and a radical hope at that.

Closet Thoughts

2007-03-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in the closet at work eating my lunch. Okay, it is really called "the office" but I know it is just a very small closet with a computer, calculator, desk, etc., packed in the only way it could be. If I could close the door and turn out the light, then it wouldn't be such a bad closet. No such luck.

Dan and I made it to Illinois and back this weekend for the bridal shower I was co-hosting with my sister-in-law. All went well. There was an interesting group of people there, and I just kind of hung out by the wall trying to watch and see if anyone needed anything while watching the clock and thinking of the drive back home that waited for us. Elizabeth got a lot of nice gifts and I think my nephew did quite well in the future spouse department; as did she, he's a great guy.

We went out to my mom's house to look for a lemonade pitcher (which we couldn't find) and I can't decide if I enjoyed that stop or not. I hated going in to the living room and seeing dead flies/bugs all over the floor. It already looks like it has been an empty house for years even though it has been less than 5 months. It is hard seeing some of her things in the exact spot where she left them and then seeing other stuff that is completely out of place. It is still just quite strange to me. There is still so much stuff to get out of there. That will be when it is the worst - when it's empty.

Isaac was home for spring break and it is always good to have him around. It is hard to believe that his first year of college is on its last hurrah. I think it has been really good for him - at least I hope it has. Carrie is off to California for her spring break and is hopefully having a nice time with friends. Destressing would be a good thing for her right now. It helps a person to see options more clearly.

I have been in one of those moods where the emotions are way too close to the surface for some reason. I'm not sure what it is from, but I am ready for it to be done. Maybe it is anxiously awaiting the spring. It would be nice to have some days with nothing to do. The problem is, half the time I go to bed and wonder what I've done, but then wake up thinking of all the things I need to do again. So, that just makes me want to sit and not do much of anything and thus, the cycle continues.

People keep walking past my closet door, so I guess this will have to come to an end for now. It seemed like there was much more I wanted to write, but now it is all just jumbled up in this crazy brain of mine so it will have to come out later.

Here's to flowers blooming and the grass being green - to warm sunshine and breezes and swings and grills and patio furniture with umbrellas...

JAH

It's Thursday!!

2007-03-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

Okay - Thursday isn't usually known for excitement, but that's what day it is and I couldn't come up with a title that was any better.

Let's see - what's new...
I became a great-aunt again today. My niece Christine gave birth to an 8 pound 12 oz. baby boy who was named Jonathan Knox Fogus. Not sure what the middle name represents, if anything, but it sounds kinda cool. She had a pretty rough time of it as they actually began inducing her Tuesday morning. She ended up having a C-section today, but all is well in their world now. Two more babies on the way this summer. The circle continues...

Tomorrow I am heading out for the weekend to the exciting town of Findlay, Ohio. I, along with four other ladies from our church, am going to a women's retreat. We go each year and have a nice time just hanging out. Sometimes the speakers are good, sometimes really good and sometimes, like last year not so good. But, it is a chance to go back and visit the town where we lived for three years while Dan was in school and it is usually pretty low stress. I will be having to leave my wonderful husband, though, so that will definitely put the world in a different dimension for us. But, it always feels good to pull into the driveway Sunday morning and know I'll be met with his smile when I walk into church. Isaac will be there as well this week, so it will be good to have the whole clan together.

I actually have started doing a little bit of research about heading back to school. Just trying to see what kind of options are out there for me. That would help fulfill one of those resolutions I made way back at the beginning of the year.

We had a good Sunday School class last week and a good group last night for our Lenten Study. I feel like something I had been missing was found. People were really sharing some personal things and talking about how the stuff that goes on in our lives should be influenced by the fact that we call ourselves Christian. It is amazing to me when those times happen - whether it is in Sunday School or a study or even just in a conversation with a friend - and you can "feel" that something is different. I'm starting to ramble, but it is something that is very concrete when it happens.

Well, I need to start the process of getting ready for this weekend. Hope everyone out there is well.

Keep your hope radical-
JAH

It's My Birthday

2007-02-27T17:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, today is my birthday. I am 43 years old. Crazy. I woke up with a feeling that I didn't want to get out of bed, but after several hits on the snooze button I did. Dan had the coffee made, which is always nice. I was also greeted with a wonderful birthday card and a box of Godiva chocolates. The wonderful part about the card was the updated version of the first poem Dan ever wrote to me - which was on birthday number 17. That was wonderfully cool. I then also received roses at work - which was wonderful and am about to head out to a nice dinner and a movie. To add to the mix - I got a nice birthday text from my daughter and a phone call from my son. I even got a birthday cake from the people I work with. Little did they know, it was a cake our family always referred to as "cherry goop" - my mom made it almost every Sunday. I also received some nice muffins and chocolate covered coffee beans from my good friend, Robin. Then...my husband wrote the most wonderful blog in honor of my birthday which literally brought tears to my eyes. What more can I say. Happy Birthday to me. Life is good.

It's Thursday

2007-02-22T11:48:00.000-05:00

Today I am at work and feeling somewhat unmotivated, so I am taking my lunch break and trying to get caught up on the world of blogger. It seems as though many thoughts have been swirling around in my head since the last time I was here, but getting them out in an unjumbled mess is usually more than I can attempt...

CaliforniaThis was one interesting trip. The actual traveling part was too crazy to mention, but we made it so that is what counts. The weather was really nice and our accommodations were good as well. Dan and I got terribly sick after a so-so meal at a Mexican restaurant. He had to start Friday off taking wonderful care of me until he was soon sick as well. Then we just kind of looked sadly at each other across the space between our beds and were fortunate enough not to need the facilities at the same moment in time. We somewhat recovered by Saturday morning and at least got to spend some more time outside. The speakers we were able to hear were good and the music we were able to hear - Fernando Ortega and Todd Agnew - was phenomenal. I would definitely go back - sometime.

We had a really bit snowstorm. That is always interesting. I really tried to appreciate how pretty it all was before all or the snowplows and vehicles and eventual slush messed it up. It was kind of like trying to appreciate the ocean waves when it is kind of cold and rainy. Even in the midst of the storm, it was really kind of cool. I wonder, when Christ was walking here on the earth if He ever took the opportunity to really look at the world for the beauty it gives. I mean, I wonder if he ever laid outside in the grass on a nice summer night and looked up at the stars and thought how awesome it was. Or, if He was ever able to take the time and listen to the soothing sound of the ocean waves. I hope He did.

Well, the bells on the door keep ringing, so I should probably cut this off and go back to work. Yipee! Hope everyone out there is well.

JAH

Saturday

2007-02-03T09:33:00.000-05:00

Today is Saturday. I've spent some time this morning trying to clean a little but mostly think a bit. I guess we all have things about ourselves that we don't really care for too much. Sometimes it can be our appearance or our surroundings, but sometimes is can be more "inner" things. Personality traits. Things that take more than a desire or a simple decision to change. So, I've thought about that this morning and wish I had some great revelation, but...mostly, well I'm still sitting here just thinking. For me anyway, when I'm face to face with these types of things, it kind of hits me from what would seem like a blind spot. Kind of like walking down the sidewalk and suddenly tripping over something that you missed seeing and suddenly there you are face down on the sidewalk wondering how you could have missed it. Especially, when you have done it before and thought you wouldn't do that again...or again...or...... What makes things worse is when you take someone down with you or feel like you've landed on top of them and you're not really sure how to help them or yourself back up. So there you have it. People laying on the sidewalk.

JAH

Trip Notes

2007-01-30T16:45:00.000-05:00

Dan and I had a nice trip to Champaign with another couple from our church. We enjoyed the visit in the car and the conference was good. One of the things I took away from it was not just wanting to be a "good church member". You know, I show up on Sunday, I give money, I do some work, etc. I want to be a good disciple. Someone who is trying to capture and live the heart and vision of Christ. I also don't want to look at church with a consumer mindset. I think too many times today we have the attitude that if something isn't givig us what we want - we can find someplace that will. I think Christ was definitely a giver - not a taker. I don't want to be a taker. Don't get me wrong, I think we need to receive things from the church and from our fellow Christians, but there is something very different in receiving and in taking. Mainly, I think, selfishness. I also walked away wanting to expand my worldview more. I think I have started down this road, but this would be a road that never ends.

JAH

Heading Out

2007-01-25T15:43:00.000-05:00

Dan and I are heading out of town for a night. I think the change of scenery will be nice. Then, in less than two weeks - it is California, here were come. I am really looking forward to this trip. It seems like I have been off of work quite a bit in the last couple of months - but none of the "vacations" have been much of that. Two weeks off when my mom had her heartache and then passed away. Then a week off at Christmas, most of which was spent cleaning out her house. I am ready for one of those vacation-type vacations. You know, where you actually get to spend time relaxing and just "hanging out". True, we will be attending a conference in California, but I'm hoping it will be pretty low-key and positive. Listening to a few ocean waves and taking a walk along the beach with my husband and best friend type stuff.

I can't remember if I had it on my "New Years List" or not, but I would really like to find a new job this year. The thing of it is, I don't want to just take a job to get out of the job I have. I have a feeling I would just be feeling the same way. I want to really start praying about it and thinking about it so that if something comes up, it will actually seem right - not just different. Anyway, just making a note to myself.

I have started reading the book of Acts. I came to the conclusion that if this is the book that describes the birth of the church and how it all began, it would be a good book to take another look at, and probably another and another. I think it is very telling about this thing called Christianity that something written 2000 years ago can still seem so awe-inspiring and overwhelming. I sometimes wonder if the authors of the Bible had any idea of the impact their words would still be having today. I mean, I can't imagine that a letter I had written would be the basis for so man y people's life choices. It's crazy - which is what makes it so much about faith. It's what makes me believe that when something is right, it proves itself to be true and relevant throughout time.

Here's to a faith where being radical is good.
JAH

Random Thoughts

2007-01-16T20:31:00.000-05:00

Today my daughter stopped by work and I happened to ask her if there was anything she might want from my mom's house before it got sent to an auction house or some sort of sale. She named off a few pieces of furniture and said that she would like to have them if no one else in the family wanted them because she didn't want a stranger to buy them and have them. I had not really thought about the "stuff" at mom's in awhile, but suddenly realized that it would kind of bother me knowing that someone was using the chair we read stories in or using her and dad's bedroom set or sitting at our kitchen table. I momentarily tried convincing myself that some other family might be able to enjoy them like we did, but it didn't seem to last very long before I got really sad and told Dan that I really didn't want anyone else using their stuff. Now, realizing that we can't have a house full of stuff, I'm not really sure what to do about it. So, I guess that will be something to think about.

Someone I work with is getting a divorce. It all came on very suddenly for her and I feel quite bad about the whole thing. It is very interesting to me, however, how freely some people will give advice. When she asks my opinion, I'm almost afraid to say anything. I don't know her very well on a personal level and don't know her husband at all. My only great words of wisdom were not to rush in to anything and to keep in mind that they would both probably be saying a lot of exaggerated things that they don't really mean. (My mom always told me that no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, so I decided it wasn't a real good idea to give advice to someone when I was only hearing one side of a story that probably has several.) So, I guess I will try to listen and be encouraging but not make any drastic suggestions like I'm hearing so many people make.

Today I haven't felt the best and have basically been laying on the couch since arriving home from work. That wasn't really my plan for today, but Dan tells me we don't always get to make the plan. So, I guess I will go with it and have this be my big accomplishment for the day.

On a muscial note, I bought I CD last night by Norah Jones. I have only listened to it once and am not exactly sure how to describe, but I think I like it pretty well.

On that random thought, I will say goodbye...

JAH

Freedom, Peace & Hope

2007-01-11T17:07:00.000-05:00

Today I received the bags I ordered from Better Way Imports. I have to say, they are pretty cool. It was pretty humbling to take them out of the box and realize the journey that someone had been on that brought it into existence. This was the tag on the bag:

This Freeset Bag tells a story of one women's journey to freedom. She used to stand with 6000 other prostitutes in a small but well known area of North Calcutta. She didn't choose her profession; it chose her. Poverty does that. It robs people of their dignity and children of their innocence. She still lives in the same area, but instead of selling her body she makes Freeset Bags. Now she has choices, the choice to work decent hours for decent pay, to re-establish her dignity in her community and to learn to read and write. Now her daughter won't have to stand in the street selling her body like her mum used to. Freedom has been passed on to the next generation. By purchasing this Freeset Bag, you have become part of the story of freedom. Thank you!

It really kind of choked me up. It is hard to imagine that sewing bags for people could change your life this much. I only hope that these women can now go to bed with a peace in their heart and a hope for the future now that they are free from this life of basic slavery. Slavery to their circumstance and to those who will use it to their own advantage.

I also ordered the documentary about their organization. I'll let you know how it is...

I wish for all of you the freedom, peace and hope that Christ can bring. I hope that all of us who claim His Name will be his agent for those in need.

JAH

A Better Way

2007-01-08T21:11:00.000-05:00

I was reading an article - actually the cover story article - in Christianity Today about the problem of women being forced into prostitution in countries around the world. They estimate that over 6000 young women and girls are on the streets in Calcutta alone each day. The article estimated the daily revenue generated from these women was $4.1 million - most of which does not go into their pocket. Many of them are sold by their parents when they are basically children, some as young as 3, because they cannot feed them. Others are actually encouraged by their parents to sell themselves and then give the money to the family to help put a meal on the table. Somehow sitting in our nice warm home in Yoder makes this story quite distant, yet it has come to my attention through many people in my life, that these types of problems should be our concern as Christians. Dan and I have a beautiful daughter. I cannot even fathom her being forced into these types of actions or feeling as though it is her only means of survival. Many different agencies have begun to take action, not only to get these women help in the - be it most important - spiritual and emotional sense, but also to teach them other means of supporting themselves. One such group that caught my eye is called Freeset. They have taught women to make handbags with natural products that are readily available to them. They are now earning a wage of $52 a month plus benefits. I realize that seems more than meager to us in the US, but it is more than they could make anywhere else in that area. I actually purchased something off of their website at www.betterwayimports.com. I think the bags were actually pretty cool and unique looking and thought it would at one little thing I could do. How many times do we buy these types of things for ourselves or as gifts. Why not buy one that would have a story of hope and redemption and one that is helping to give a young woman the chance to know someone out there cares. I hope to be more conscious of these issues this year and more willing to research things a little more and shop a little wiser. So...if anyone out there is looking for a bag or a really unique gift bag - check it out and help out.

Day 6

2007-01-06T20:03:00.000-05:00

It is now the 6th day of a new year and I'm beginning to think maybe this year, I have a few things I would like to accomplish. As I have said before, I'm not overly goal-specific oriented, but more attitude oriented. However, maybe one should rethink themselves from time to time and make adjustments where necessary. That being said, here are a few things I am actually putting in writing so that I will have something to go back and look at next year to see if this was a good idea after all. In no particular order of importance - here goes nothing: 1. I want to spend more time just hanging out with Dan and the kids. Maybe just go to a park or drive to Huntington or to Anderson for no particular reason. 2. I would like to take a class of some sort. It doesn't have to be a college class, but just a class for some self-enhancement. I would consider a photography class or even some sort of unique cooking class. 3. I would like to have people over to our home more. I actually do enjoy cooking a meal for people - it some how makes me feel creative. Sometimes I feel like our house is too small or that no one really wants to come over, but maybe I need to push through those thoughts and see what happens. 4. Although this is probably somewhat typical, I would like to bring a little more organization into our home, thus making item number 2 a bit more feasible. 5. I would like to exercise. Not necessarily to get into a smaller size - although if that happens... - but to feel better. To feel like I have some energy and so that someday, I can run around after grandkids if that happens to be a part of this life. 6. I want to go to an art museum. 7. I hope Dan and I can go to a "cool" concert somewhere this year. 8. I want to spend a bit more time reading and less time with the TV on. 9. I want to remember this list. 10. I want to get a grill and know how to use it. 11. I want to appreciate my husband and chilren more and make a conscious effort to let them know that. 12. I want to send people notes/cards more often. 13. I want to feel like I'm making a difference. Okay - I think that is more than enough for a list.

So there it is. I hope that along with wanting a more Christ-like attitude, I can do something about it.

Until next time -
JAH

A New Year

2007-01-01T14:02:00.000-05:00

We are back home after a visit in Illinois. It was an interesting week with many ups and downs. Most of the week was spent going through the "stuff" at my mom's house. It seems strange to me that I actually spent so many years living in that house. Somehow it was hard to remember that being home. My old room is now the storage room and is filled with our stuff and my brother's stuff because we have too much stuff and not enough room. It doesn't seem like anyone's home so much anymore - just a place to sort through years of someone's life, sorting it into logical places where we can all decide if there is anything worth selling, keeping or just throwing it away. It all seemed quite clinical at times and it was just plain hard. I was so thankful that Dan was there and did so much work and gave me time to look at the little things I would find. It helped to see what was there one last time.

It's funny how you come across things and wonder why someone saved it. I wondered why something was important and just smiled at some things. I learned that although my mom never showed a lot of outward emotion - I think she was pretty sentimental at heart. She always teased my dad that he spent more on the big heart box than on the Valentine candy. But...in the back of her closet, were the heart boxes. I couldn't bear to throw them away anymore than she could. In her kitchen cupboards were many thank you notes she had received from her grandchildren. And yes, I can picture my mom on those quiet nights alone in the big house, getting them out and reading through them. Those were her little treasures.

Looking back over mom's life, there weren't any huge accomplishments by the standards of today's society. However, I would say she died with few regrets. There were things about her that drove me crazy - but I can only imagine how many things about me drive others crazy. I miss her letters. I hated seeing her spot in church empty. But, hopefully I can learn to be a litte more tolerant, see the good in people, enjoy the simple things in life and like her, realize that when you leave this earth - nothing goes with you but people will definitely remember what you left behind. Thanks mom - you did good.

It is hard to believe that another year has ended. Here it is 2007 - it seems like just yesterday that so much was being made over the computer crash that was sure to come at the end of 1999. I am not an overly goal-oriented person - not one to make lists or resolutions, so I don't have any great, specific declarations to make for this year. However, I hope overall to be the following: more like Christ; more loving to my husband whom I adore and to my children who are treasures; a better friend; more positive; more active in the world around me.

So, with that, the year begins...

Where Did Life Go?

2006-12-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

The last time I did this, life seemed much different. We are now getting ready to spend our first Christmas without my mom. It all kind of seems a bit unreal to me still. But, I guess I will need to come to grips with the fact that the life that had eggnog, kids running all over the living room, my mom looking very small underneath the pile of presents that we brought to her, Saturday morning coffee in the kitchen with the bugs flying overhead has ended. But, as I think about the task of looking through all of her stuff while I am back that week, I am reminded that although one life has ended - it does go on for the rest of us. I just hope that somehow during the stress of the holidays we can all appreciate how quickly it goes and how so much of the enjoyable parts are missed because of silly things that we let annoy us way beyond their limits of importance.

So as I write this, I hope to remind myself that life is a gift - the one I have and the ones that share theirs with me. Heaven has to be real. Family matters. Keep some perspective. Keep your eyes open for the good things and don't dwell on the bad. Life is a gift.

JAH

Friday

2006-10-20T14:31:00.000-05:00

Well, Friday has finally arrived so it is a night out with Dan. I wish I could think of something exciting for us to do, but I feel like I'm about as exciting as going to the dentist. I need to get my mind firing on all of the cylinders again, but I don't push myself enough. Now I feel like I'm getting kind of a headcold, which is annoying. I'm also afraid to put on the dress I got to wear to a wedding tomorrow because it's not going to look like I think that it should. I suppose those types of thoughts are somewhat vain and right now I feel very unsure of myself.

Yesterday we ventured down to AU again and had a nice supper with Isaac, Graham, Caleb and Jared. I think they are planning to go downtown Indy this evening and talk with the homeless people that might be out and about. They thought they might try to have supper with them. I would imagine the conversations could be pretty interesting.

Now I believe I will clean the living room, hit the shower and see what happens the rest of tonight.

Peace and hope to all -
JAH

It's A Monday

2006-10-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

Today was definitely a Monday kind of day. When I woke up I felt like I hadn't slept yet and then when I got to work, there was already work waiting for me. Then someone called in sick, etc., etc... Oh well, I guess in the big picture of life, these little inconveniences probably aren't such a big deal. At least I kept trying to tell myself that as the day went on.

I don't know if it is still the empty nest syndrome or what, but every now and then, bursting in to tears would seem like an easy thing to do and I have no idea why. I hate that. Maybe it is just my age more than the nest. I do think I definitely need to get back into the treadmill routine and out of the fattening foods routine. I think that does impact one's mood and overall energy level. Dan and I both got on the ole t-mill yesterday, so hopefully we can keep at each other to keep it up.

Tomorrow we are going to AU to hear Shane Claiborne speak and I am looking forward to that. I haven't finished his book Irresistable Revolution quite yet, but I'm more than half way through it. It is very convicting and challenging. Sometimes I think I rationalize my attitude/actions (or lack thereof) way too much. I don't think Jesus wants us to be observers - he wants us to be participants. It isn't that I'm not involved in church, but sometimes I feel like I have lost some of my ability to relate to those people who do not choose to be followers of Christ. Or...maybe the problem is, that I have become too much like them and thus feel no need to relate?? I'm not sure.

Well, it is almost 4 pm and the treadmill is still at a standstill.

Keep the hope alive-
JAH

How does this go???

2006-10-14T07:45:00.000-05:00

It took me awhile, but I finally got to the screen where a person can write on this crazy thing. Of course, now that I'm here, I'm not really sure what to write. I read through my old posts and things seem so much different now.

Carrie and Isaac are both off to school. Carrie in her last year of college - Isaac in his first. Even as I write that, I can hardly believe that it is true. Seeing them take off in to the world out there is a very strange - although exciting - feeling. Even as I write, Isaac is off to Washington DC for a conference of some sort. The horizon is expanding.

I thought I would take some time and start writing thoughts down again, but as usual, my mind is kind of a jumble. It seems there is so much to think about and process through, but I just kind of feel small like my dog most of the time. Or sometimes, as I have told Dan, I feel like I'm running through jello like in those crazy dreams where you keep running but never seem to get anywhere. Of course, I'm not sure where I'm trying to go, so what is a person to do.

I have been reading more. I finished one book and have started on another. Both of which were different in their settings, but but quite challenging. They have me feeling distant from much of what I think life should probably be like for those of us who are followers of Christ. (I am beginning to think the word "Christian" has been misued to the point that it has no meaning.) Dan and I talk about that a lot. What is our part? Do we make it too hard to figure out? Do we just think about it too much? How does this go???

Anyway, maybe as I make an attempt at writing some of these things down, the pieces of life's puzzle will get put together in the right way and the picture will end up looking pretty good. There are some things I feel like I do know: Following Christ is always the best way even though it sometimes gets confusing; I have been blessed with a wonderful husband whom I love and get to go through this life with; our kids are the greatest despite those times we wish we would have done things differently; the church is still responsible to the world - not the other way around. These things I do know.

Be radical in the hope -
JAH

Not So Radical

2006-06-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

Today I am not feeling like my hope is any too radical. True, I do have hope in this life and in the life to come, but it is definitely not a radical feeling. I guess one has to make choices and decisions and cannot go merely on feelings, but I think my emotional state is somewhat unstable at present and I'm not all together certain as to why. I am not saying I am in a bad emotional state - just emotional. I have never been one to cry easily - but lately, I think I could cry pretty easily. Things that make me happy make me want to cry. Things that make me sad - things that make me feel old..er. I don't really know how to describe it, but I guess I will just accept that one goes through times like these and maybe even that this kind of a time is a good thing.

Maybe it is Neil Young's fault. We've been watching his new DVD and it is somewhat nostalgic in nature - reflective. One thing I do realize is that I have a very blessed life. I have a great husband, great daughter, great son. I would not change that part of my life in anyway. I just want to gather them together and make definite mental images in my mind of all of our moments that we get to share. I want to be aware of my surroundings and take a snapshot as I know they may not ever be exactly like this again. It is not that I want time to stand still, because that is not a good thing, but I want to really start to take it all in and hold those little, cool things in my heart. Like sharing nachos with Dan and talking about what's going on. Like listening to each of the kids talk and realizing that they have become their own individual with ideas and plans.

I need to be more thankful for my life. I need to get more radical again in my hope for what God has in store for us...

JAH

Untitled

2006-06-13T14:17:00.000-05:00

That is kind of how I feel today - untitled. I think I have felt too many emotions these past few weeks and I'm not sure where I am. I know there are things I need to do and things I want to do. I feel like there is a way I should be and a way that I am. Getting from point A to point B is sometimes the hard part. I read my husband's blog a little while ago and it reminded me that the journey may be just as important as any current destination. We all need to enjoy our moments as they are given. I believe I have even written something like this before, but somehow I forget.

Lord, help me enjoy the moments in the journey. Help me to remember I don't have to accomplish everything at once. Thank you for the wonderful family you have given me to share the trip.

Fire up in me some radical hope...

JAH

The Ladder

2006-06-07T20:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am climbing up a ladder or going down a ladder. On the one hand, I still feel like I am climbing a ladder of sorts. You know, I am still learning new things - like using this laptop - that there are still new adventures and experiences to be had. Within one week, our son turned 18, he graduated from high school, and our daughter turned 21. Sometimes that makes me feel like I'm going down the ladder. The next generation is taking their place. I am probably going to need to admit that I am at middle age.

Maybe instead of going down a ladder, I should think of it as switching to a different ladder. I guess in some ways our experiences and adventures are going to change. Our roles are going to change. But as I have often said to others and I must now say to myself, change is not a bad word. Change can be a good thing. A new thing. I cannot wait to see where life takes our kids. They are really great kids. They think and have great ideas. They don't always follow the crowd. They have opinions and they share them with us and with others. In some ways, they are both wise beyond their years and have taught us many things. I want to take it all in as they make their way in this crazy world. I hope they can experience many great things and that they will both find great people to share them with.

I will admit, there are many mixed emotions as you see your children becoming less dependent on you, but a great deal of satisfaction can come as you see them make choices, but still ask for advice every now and then.

So, I guess that is it. I am not going down a ladder, but I am still on a journey. I guess ladders have an ending, but roads can go on for a long time. I like this road and have been so blessed with a great husband and great kids to share it with.

Thank you Lord for this life. Help me to enjoy each day and not worry about the curves and hills in the road. I don't want to be complacent about this life. Remind me of all the joy that has been and will be in my life because of You and Your Love for us. Keep me in Your Radical Hope.

JAH

Gettin' on the Roller Coaster

2006-05-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be somewhat of a roller coaster ride of crazy emotions. Maybe this always happens when a milestone is reached in one's life. For my husband and me, the empty nest is just around the corner. Last night we went to an English Banquet - who knew there were English Banquets - where the seniors were honored and were each asked to read something that they had writtten. Strangely enough, it was really quite a good experience. Our son's best friend, Graham, read an incredibly witty, funny and insightful short story he had written. I realized how fortunate we were that our son has had such a good friend, along with Aaron and others along the way.

Shortly thereafter, our son got up and read a poem he had written, which, although I am unashamedly biased, was great. It of course brought tears to my eyes as I realized how blessed we are to have a great son who is also witty, funny and insightful. Not to mention we also have a great, beautiful and creative daughter who will always challenge and inspire us to know where we stand and to listen before we speak. All of this thought during a poem.

I also realized how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband (23 years on 5/14) sitting behind me and knowing that he was also probably thinking some of the same thoughts that I was. It is at those moments that I want to be very aware of all that is surrounding me so that I can recall this memory in time at some later time in my life when I'm wondering if we're all doing okay.

I know the next few weeks will bring much joy, reflection, sadness, anticipation, stress and relief. It should all be very interesting. It is really pretty cool how God has orchestrated life to prepare us for the departure of our kids. It is a gradual thing, even though at the moment it doesn't seem like it. I only hope and pray that we have given them some direction along the way so they can start out on their own paths finding their way in this world. I am very anxious to see where they go and am excited for them at the possibilities that await them.

Thank you God for sharing Dan, Carrie and Isaac with me.

Keep the hope radical -
JAH

Back Again

2006-05-04T17:06:00.000-05:00

I thought I was actually going to be doing a little better at this, but was surprised when I saw my last post was two weeks ago. Time is such a crazy thing.

Went to a conference recently and have been trying to figure some stuff out. Dan and I talk about stuff and that is good as it helps me to think about things, but I still am not sure on the whole idea of living this life the way Christ would really be living it. Is it possible? Have we decided it really isn't necessary? I am a firm believer that works do not earn our way to heaven, but if our lives have truly been transformed by Christ, then shouldn't it somehow look different than the lives of those who have not been transformed. There sure are a lot of action words in Bible for action to not matter.

Maybe...it isn't even so much just what we do but how we think about what we do. I have noticed that people really complain a lot. My life is supposed to be different, so I have tried to notice if I've been complaining a lot - which I probably do. Maybe if my attitude about things were different my actions would follow suit. I dont' know. I tried to have a more positive attitude today, which is always interesting because then you just have a negative attitude about everyone else's negativity. Thus the dilemma. Maybe I can somehow work through this. I'll keep talking to Dan and others who will listen and maybe even keep trying to work it out through writing it out. Anyway...until next time.

Have a radical hope -
JAH

The Times They Are A Changin'

2006-04-22T18:38:00.000-05:00

This weekend we took Isaac to Anderson University and he has officially signed up for classes. There are a lot of things a person feels when they do this with a child. In a way I feel like part of our lives are finishing up. The sun is setting. But as Dan and I sat there listening to all the talks and info, etc., I realized that we are in a good place. Our kids, although not quite perfect, have been such an incredible blessing to our lives. I don't ever remember having the types of conversations with my parents that we have gotten to have with Carrie and Isaac. I know there are plenty of people out there in the world, for whatever reason, that have never had nor ever will have the chance to make cool memories with their kids. Thanks God, Dan and I are in a good place and I am so happy that you put us here.

Dan is not preaching tomorrow as Scott, our chairman of the board and good friend, is going to share a message for the first time. I hope everything goes okay for him. He and his family are pretty awesome.

Time to call it a day.

Christ's peace & Radical Hope -
JAH

Life Is Good - God Is Good

2006-04-21T05:14:00.000-05:00

Dan went to the doctor and everything is going to be okay. Life is good - God is Good. Of course, as I was thinking this, God is good always - even in the times where it doesn't seem like everything is going to be okay, but that is one of those things it is hard for me to grasp. So for today, I don't think I will try and understand that - I will just be happy that Dan is going to be okay.

The electricty was connected yesterday at the pavilion that was built at our church. It was good to see a little progress again. Things usually don't move along as quickly as it would appear that they could, but maybe patience is something that doesn't come easy, but is good when it comes.

This evening we will be heading to Anderson so Isaac can sign up for classes, take his placement exams and just basically hang out and get a feel for the place. I hope he comes away from there thinking that things will be okay.

Today is a work day for me in the pizza making world. There are already three big orders there waiting, which would be okay if that was the bulk of it for today, but most of the time that doesn't happen. I hope I am never as uptight about food as some people can be. I will probably regret writing this, but I have been fortunate enough to not have anyone call and complain about their food in quite some time. I hate those phone calls because people seem to lose all perspective when it comes to their food. Maybe it is just because something else in their life is going bad and they can't do anything about that so they will demand restitution in regard to their pizza and its toppings and crust. That is what I should tell myself next time someone acts as though their life really is ruined because of pizza.

Time to go. I hope everyone else has a good day today.

Love Jesus and Do What You Want-
JAH

What's It All About

2006-04-19T21:05:00.000-05:00

What is life all about? Right now I feel like I have more questions than answers. I wonder why a little boy whose parents are on the mission field trying to do some good in the world had a freak accident and was killed. I wonder why a little one year old girl at our church has cystic fibrosis and now has a somewhat life-threatening infection. I wonder why my husband has an infection that won't go away and I think right now I'm a little scared about that. Then I wonder why so many people seem to be so concerned about other things that just really don't seem to matter much.

I think I am probably one of the worst bloggers that has attempted blogging. I guess I need to take more time and sit down and write things out. Maybe this would be a good way to have some good conversations with God and let Him know that I'm down here wondering about some things. I don't really think I'm questioning Him so much as far as He is God and all, but sometimes I just don't get the plan. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe the plan is more of a work in progress that changes and grows and dies and exists in ways that I can't comprehend. Maybe that's why we aren't supposed to worry about our tomorrows but just live each moment as it is given to us. I just don't want to waste moments. I look at our kids and wonder how they got to be adults. They are great adults in spite of me, but I don't want to miss the moments. I think of Dan and I celebrating 23 years of marriage and don't want to miss our moments. Being in love with someone is truly a gift. Having kids who are healthy and bright and full of potential is a gift. I guess those are things I should also wonder about. Why do I have those gifts? Why does God bless us in the ways that He does?

I guess life is a mystery and maybe that shouldn't be a scarey thing but a good thing. Why would I want to know the whole "plan". That would probably make me miss the moments as they happen.

It is tea time and hot chocolate time at our house. This is one of my favorite moments. (I keep on using that word - I hope it means what I think it means. )

Love Jesus and Do What You Want -
JAH

Lazy Saturday

2006-03-25T11:14:00.000-05:00

Today feels like one of those lazy days where I could wrap up in a blanket and read, watch TV or sleep. But, somehow the guilt of being lazy always hangs over a person's head.

Our children have left for Florida for a Campus Life Spring Break Trip, which is good, but I'll be glad when it is done and they are back in Indiana. It is amazing how you can want your children to experience all the good things the world has to offer, yet have such an out-of-control feeling as they walk out the door. It will be okay though. Learning to let go is a part of life and moving on to that next stage can be an adventure, I'm sure. It should be an interesting year...and I hope to treat it like a new adventure. That should be what life is like - looking at everything in its full potential. I hope I can begin to be more like that.

Went back to work and not too much had changed. It was amazing how it kind of wore me out though. I hadn't been in the upright, vertical position for that long of a stretch for a week, and it was pretty tiring - or else I'm just really out of shape - probably a little of both.

Tonight we are going out for supper with our church council. It will be nice to go out with some people, that is one thing I kind of miss from back home. Friendship can seem like such a hard thing. It is much easier to have acquaintences than friends, but friends are definitely better.

I think it is time to make some more coffee. Maybe that will put me in adventure mode!!

Christ's peace & and Radical Hope -
JAH

First Timer

2006-03-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

This is my first attempt at "blogging". I hope to use the as a place to record events and thoughts of my family and life. I've been home sick for a week and finally decided to give this a shot. Back to work tomorrow...