Family

This past few days, I've been thinking about families. When I think of my family at this point in my life, I think of my husband, Dan, and our children, Carrie and Isaac. I love my family very much and feel that I have been greatly blessed by their presence in my life. But, as is with most of us, we have another family as we move outward from our little circle. We have parents and, in my case, four brothers, their wives, their children, etc., etc. When I think of my parents, I have very fond memories of them, not really any bad ones, at least none that come to mind. My brothers are all older than I am and I really don't remember the two oldest ones living at our house. It is my understanding, and I will be happy to keep it that way, that the five of us get along. There have been times when, due to certain circumstances, we have been closer than at other times. At this point in our history, we aren't all together very much - and sometimes I wonder if we ever will be. It is hard then, when you know that one of them is suffering very much and they seem to live a million miles away and the phone conversations that you have never seem to do much good. These are the times that I wish we weren't so far apart and that we talked a lot more often and kept up on each others lives and where we are all at in them. I would assume the same is true in many families today. We get busy and we live our separate lives whether we live across the street or across the country. It is really sad when you realize that someone you used to eat supper with, watch TV with, argue with, joke with is somehow facing life on their own and those growing up days can't be recreated except in our memories. So I guess we all do what we can when we can and hope that in some small way it makes a difference and that we somehow all feel a connection even through the distance.

I had a telephone conversation with my oldest brother last week, which has probably happened more in the last year than in the previous ten. He recently purchased the farm that connects with the "home place". The family that used to farm it were good friends with our family for years. Every summer we would have a big picnic at our house and swim in the pool and have a great time. After my father died, we just didn't seem to do that so much anymore. But they were almost like a second family to me when I was growing up. When the mother died shortly after my mother, the farm was going up for auction. I guess the whole ordeal was pretty sad as none of the three kids are speaking anymore and one made quite the scene at the sale. My brother said the whole thing was quite embarrassing for everyone who was there. What happened? I know my mom was so worried that we would all be fighting over "stuff", which by the way, we have not been. I guess I hope we can all honor our parents by honoring each other. We may not be the Waltons, but we can all sit together around a table. Anyway, this whole thing made me feel bad, but I know the parents of these kids would be really happy to know that my brother is farming their land and my nephew will be living in their home.

I have been working on my hutch that my brother made me. I tried something a little different when I painted it. It was called "distressing". It is funny how we get something new and try to make it look old. I think it is turning out pretty good and I am anxious to get the china back in it to see how it all comes together. Pictures will be forthcoming.

Time for supper -
JAH

Questions Anyone?

Today is one of the Mondays that I do not have to work.It is really nice to have a four-day weekend. Friday, Dan and I were able to have a sort of "vacation" day - going to breakfast, to a movie, etc., and it was a great day. Saturday evening we went to a photography workshop, and although much of it was over my head, it did reinforce my desire to learn about what all our camera and a computer could do. I will be glad when it is a bit warmer outside, so we can go out on a photograph hunt and try out all of the different options. Sunday, Carrie surprised us at church and then went to lunch with us. It is always nice to get caught up on what her news and info is.

Today, I went to Bluffton and took my mother's engagement ring to a jewelry store to see if they could resize it for me. They thought they would have it done in two weeks. They will probably have to build up the band as my mom had already had it enlarged once. Then it was lunch with Dan and some time on the treadmill.

I also had some time to look ahead at the classes I am signed up for this semester. (This, in case you are wondering is where the title and graphic come in to play.) In reading the descriptions for the upcoming classes - I'm thinking to myself that these do not interest me too much. Now, I know that everyone has to take classes that don't interest them, but these are some of the main classes for my degree. I have had a few people ask me as of late, what I am going to school for, and today on the treadmill I came to the conclusion that I really don't know. I've always wanted to finish my Bachelor's Degree, but today I am beginning to question why. Don't get me wrong, I believe very strongly in the value of an education. But, I'm wondering at this point in my life, if it is what I should be doing. I don't know. I'm rambling. My dilemma comes in thinking about what sort of job I would want to do when I finish. And...I have no idea. When I think about the things I really enjoy doing, they do not seem like really "employable" things. What to do...what to do...

Hopeful though confused -
JAH

Resolutions Resolved

Now that it is the 16th day of January, I have decided to put my resolutions to "paper" so to speak, so that they can be reviewed by me throughout the year to see how I'm doing. Some of these aren't even resolutions for this year, more just stuff I'd like to do someday before I make my final exit. So, in no particular order, here they are (I reserve the right to add, edit and delete).

Go to a fun concert with Dan. This doesn't have to be far away, just fun. / Make some trips to Findlay and Anderson for supper or breakfast or lunch or whatever. No reason needed. /
Go to my moms and clean up/out the house. I hate going there because it looks terrible. There are too many things that are just going to get ruined and go to waste because of the weather and bugs and other nasty critters. / Have people over more. This is one from last year and one that I think should be on from now until forever. I don't think people just get together to visit enough anymore. I remember my mom getting together with the neighbor ladies over for coffee just for the heck of it. Busyness of life has taken its toll on relationships -- we should try to stop that. / Take a photography class to make the most of the camera we bought. We are going to a workshop in January, which will be a good start. / Try to keep in touch with my nieces and nephews a little better and get the family together at least once a year - besides weddings and funerals. / Clean out every closet in our house. We would have a little more space if we got rid of stuff we don't use. Also - the desk and the file cabinets! Keep walking on the treadmill at least three times a week (preferably four). Stay away from fast food. / Keep going to school - some day graduate and actually go through a ceremony. / Do some painting at church and at our house. / Visit our friend Joan in Washington DC. / Really enjoy every moment of our 25th anniversary trip!!

Long-term goals: Take a long weekend trip with Carrie before - seems strange to say this - she gets married. / Take another family vacation to somewhere. / Go to Colorado to see my brother.

Okay, that is probably enough for now. There will probably be a few more that get added to the list.

Now, a few more family pictures to share.

This is Tim and Elizabeth. Tim is my youngest brother's oldest. Dan was given the honor of doing their marriage ceremony in April of 2007. He is now officially a doctor and is currently doing his residency at Genesis Hospital in Davenport, Iowa. His lovely wife is a nurse in a cardiologist's office.


On the right is a picture of my oldest brother, Terry, holding his granddaughter, Emma (featured in a previous post). I don't ever remember Terry living at our house as he was married and had made me an aunt by the time I was six. He has been farming the family farm since my father passed away in 1981. His son, Michael, farms with him.

This little guy is Arthur (the big guy is Santa, of course). He is one of my great nephews and is really quite enjoyable. When Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he simply pointed at the bag of candy sitting on the floor. He was quite happy when he received his request instantly! He is one of my second brothers grandsons.



Well, time to sign off for now. I hope 2008 has started off well for everyone.

Staying hopeful -
JAH

And So It Begins

Another year has begun. It is still hard for me to believe that the year is now 2008, but believe it or not, here it is. The holiday season is now basically over and on Saturday, I will go ahead and take down the decorations. I usually do it on New Year's Day, but my hubby and I were just kind of enjoying having a "lounging around the house" day, so I figured they could stay up until the weekend. It isn't as though I have something in every nook and cranny anyway, so the process won't be that time consuming.

I read back over my goals list for 2007. Some of them I can check off, some of them, well, no one is perfect. I will probably come up with a new list for this year, but I kind of like to let the start of the year sink in a little bit first. I don't really think of them as resolutions - something that I am that resolved about doing - but more like things I would like to do this year.

One thing that Dan and I purchased for Christmas was a new digital camera. I hope to learn how to use it more proficiently and effectively, but I will leave this start to the new year with a few pictures from the holidays.

This is one of my great-nieces, Emma. Her mother was the flower girl at our wedding and she is really quite enjoyable to be around. To me, she looks just like her grandfather which would be my oldest brother, Terry. As people were leaving she would wave and tell them to "drive safe" which was about the sweetest thing you could have heard. She is almost 2 years old.

The picture on the left is a group of the most wonderful girls. In the back row on the left is my niece Vikki. She is in nurses training in California. Next is my niece Laura, she is in school in Florida. My lovely daughter Carrie is holding my youngest great niece, Elizabeth. In the next row are four of my other great nieces. Elena, Jennifer, Hannah and again, Emma. Elizabeth, Hannah and Jennifer are sisters and are the daughters of my oldest nephew, Michael.

Having mentioned Michael, this is the whole family, including his lovely wife, Kate and Santa (played by Kate's brother). Michael was more like a little brother to me than a nephew as they lived in the house right next door to us and we are actually closer in age (6 years) than I am with any of my older brothers. He will have his hands full some day with three cute daughters to keep track of. He and Kate do a great job - I wish I had her energy and patience.

Now to switch to the other side of the family. This is a picture of Dan's sisters boys, Kevin and Kyle with Isaac and Carrie. Each year for Christmas, Dan's dad get the boys some sort of winter attire, usually a coat and hat or gloves, or in the case of 2007, vests and hats. Carrie is modeling her new fleece jacket. They are usually pretty cooperative with getting "the picture". It amazes me how much they have grown up already. I remember when Carrie was by far the tallest in this group picture.

Well, I feel like I have shared the old home movies of our family vacation. But, for historical purposes and because I think family is important (the older I get the more precious these pictures are to me) you will have to suffer through. Plus, with Dan's help, I have finally gotten the hang of getting the pictures from the camera to the computer to this blog. I have more that will probably be making appearances from time to time.

Well my job here is done for now. I wanted to start the year off with a post on January 1. Check. I hope everyone had a safe and happy start to this new year and many blessings to all of you.

Peace and hope for 2008 -
JAH

Has It Been This Long?

I didn't realize how long it had been since I put up a post. I actually thought I had done one since my "interesting" class experience, but either I dreamed it or it didn't work. Either way, here I am again.

My Understanding Diversity class is done. I'm glad. I have decided that the people I took this class with really weren't all that interested in learning about diversity or anything else for that matter. I guess for some it just boils down to getting a piece of paper after a series of classes. Learning is not necessarily the point of college for everyone. I can't say that the class was all that inspiring, but some of the reading was enlightening, so I'll be satisfied with that.

Christmas has now come and gone. We were able to take Carrie and Isaac along with Drew and Laura out for a nice dinner. I'm glad that we can all get together and enjoy one another's company. Our Sunday service was very nice with the decorating of the tree. Some people had funny comments to share and others were quite touching. I think it means more to have a tree that we all contributed to instead of one that looks like it belongs in a department store. Sunday we made the drive to Illinois in what seemed like a hurricane. We had a nice time at my brother's house. There were enough little children there this year that the excitement factor about the whole event seemed to be in the air. Plus, it always seems to bring some life to a gathering when you hear the sounds of little voices in the room.

Monday brought Christmas Eve. We spent the day at Dan's parents' house and it was quite relaxing. We had a nice lunch with all the trimmings and then played cards in the afternoon while the kids read and watched some TV. We went to church that evening and I enjoyed getting to sit together as a family. Sometimes it nice to not have any responsibility at a service. Dan's sister and her boys arrived late that night and the unwrapping of gifts took place.

Tuesday morning was the drive back to Indiana which went pretty smoothly. Carrie and Isaac both had plans that night, so Dan and I enjoyed a Christmas frozen pizza. All in all, the holiday was pretty low-key, which was quite enjoyable. I was glad I took Wednesday off to kind of unwind.

My brother is coming out this weekend to bring a hutch he made to put on top of a chest of drawers that I have. Hopefully, my grandmother's and/or mother's china will be finding a home there once I get it all painted.

Guess that pretty much brings everyone up to date with my life. Hope everyone had a great holiday and will start 2008 out wonderfully!

Peace -
JAH

The Problem with Prejudice

How many times has anyone been in a conversation with someone and you hear, "I'm not prejudice, but...."? Of course you know the next thing that is going to be said is going to be some sort of racist or derogatory remark about someone or some group of people. It happens. I'm guilty. But what if you feel, say, justified in your thoughts? This can be a troubling thing when you confront yourself with them.

Case in point. I am currently taking a class called "Understanding Diversity". On Monday, we were to present a brief summary about an article we were assigned (each of us a different one) and what we learned from it. My article was about an immigrant woman from India. Each person's was different. Now, after the articles had all been presented, somewhat of a free flow of discussion ensued. I have to admit, I was shocked and somewhat taken back by the comments that were coming from each person's mouth. I will not dignify them by repeating them, but I would have thought I was in the 1950's at a segregation meeting or something. I was disappointed that the instructor allowed them to continue as long as she did as I sat getting red-faced and somewhat shaky in my seat. She finally asked me what was on my mind and I basically said that I just didn't even know where to start. I briefly stated some of my feelings and left it at that realizing that I seemed to be the only person (other than the instructor who seems to want to keep everyone happy) who thought everyone was, well, crazy. The class continued on and I made a quick exit wondering if I could actually sit through three more classes like this.

Okay, so herein lies the problem. I got in my car and was basically fuming. Several words were coming to my mind - I'm sure you can imagine some of them - as I started the drive home anticipating unloading all of my frustrations onto my husband when I walked through the front door. (Which I did and he patiently listened.) About half way home, as I was wondering how anyone could view another human being with such contempt and loathing - I realized how much of those feelings were pulsing through my bloodstream at that very moment. I quickly tried to rationalize those thoughts by thinking that I was right to feel the way I did and they were so very wrong. I do believe they were wrong - so was I. I had to admit to myself that at the very same time God is loving all of the people they were trashing and saying horrible things about, He was loving them, too. At the same time they were lumping people into stereotypical groups - I was doing the same to them, too. I hate those moments when you realize you are guilty of the very thing you are so angry at other people for doing.

So the problem with prejudice is...it is so very hard to rise above. So, for all of you praying folks out there, keep me in your prayers next Monday evening. Pray that I would be obedient to God and not to my emotions. Pray that some light would come from me to expel any darkness that would be in that room. Pray that the words coming out my mouth would be His.

Hoping for hope to shine through-
JAH

Christmas Is Coming

Thanksgiving is now history and the start of the official Christmas season has begun. This year seems to be going by even more quickly than the previous one. I guess time does fly the older one gets.

This past Saturday, the Christmas decorations emerged from the garage, storage shed and other various creative storage spots we have tried to find. Last year, I had trouble getting in to the whole decoration scene, but this year, for some reason, I actually did a little more than I have the past few years. I think I am developing a sense of nostalgia and wish that we had, over the years, developed more traditions in our family. Growing up, my parents were the prime example of understated enthusiasm about pretty much everything. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood with great memories, but everything at our house was pretty low key. Now, I have no desire to have the holidays turn in to a stressful, can't-get- everything-done-that-we-always-do event, but I'm just actually really looking forward to the season this year. There is just something nice about sitting in your living room to the glow of Christmas tree lights with the soundtrack from the Charlie Brown Christmas playing in the background. Now, if only there was some gently falling snow...

Anyway...I guess my prayer for this year is to really enjoy each family moment that we can have and to focus more on the reason we celebrate this season in the first place. For so many people complaints about people not being able to say "Merry Christmas" because of the religious significance are the topic of conversation. My question is, for most of us, do we really even celebrate Christmas because of the religious significance or is it just another holiday where we buy gifts, get grumpy, overspend and over eat? I don't want to be a part of that holiday. I want to celebrate the fact that a young couple was obedient to God, Christ left heaven and came to earth in a humble way because He actually cared about all of us and because of that, we can have peace of mind and joy in our hearts and can actually pass that on to the rest of the world. Now that is something worth celebrating.

Remembering the hope that we all can have -
JAH

Happy Thanksgiving

The day is drawing to a close and it was a nice day. Although Dan was up early, I actually slept a little later than I usually would on a Thursday, which was nice. Isaac was around last night and Carrie rolled in fairly early this morning to help with the meal preparations. Drew came over and joined us as well and all in all, the meal came off without any problems. Then it was cleanup, football, nap, football, reheat, eat, and now I'm taking a little break from homework. I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, but I guess it is what it is.

It is hard to believe another Thanksgiving Day has come and gone, but I know I have much to be thankful for. I have been blessed with a great husband who has stuck by me through the good, bad and ugly for nearly 27 years of being together (almost 25 now of marriage). It's truly more than I could ever deserve, but somehow looking across the table at someone and knowing them and wanting them to know you is a feeling I can't explain. We have great kids who seem to have found people who make them happy and who they seem to want to make happy as well, which is probably the most important thing. It is great to have them here and to hear their voices in the house. Even Bogie got in on some bites of turkey and likes laying in the middle of the room keeping an eye on everyone.

Now, things are quiet. It is kind of that nice "snuggled" in feeling that I think we so often take for granted. I hope anyone who happens to read this also had family or friends to share the day with. Many blessings to you all.

JAH

Monday...But Things Are Well

Today was a pretty ordinary Monday as far as Mondays go. Work went okay - nothing too exciting, but it was a little busier than it has been, which is good for making the time move along a little quicker - dare I say, faster.

The family had a really nice weekend. Dan's birthday concert was good. Friday we went out for supper and saw American Gangster - again, good. Saturday, Dan and I went out for lunch - do you see a pattern - mine was good, his...well, not so good, but we had a nice time. Saturday afternoon I studied for my big final tonight. One class down - who knows how many more to go at this point. But, that's okay. I've started and I made it through the first one. Sunday was a great day. Carrie and Isaac were both home, which is always nice. Church went really well - had a couple of visitors even. We had another nice lunch out which included Carrie's boyfriend Drew and his friend Tom. Our friends had cake complete with candles for Dan Sunday night, which was a very nice, unexpected (sort of :) ) surprise. It still amazes me at times, even when life has seemed a little "off", you can have those days where everything seems to come together and you realize just how wonderfully blessed you are. It doesn't take too much looking around to see people who are losing their families. People who don't seem to have any hope for anything but getting a check and paying the bills. People with no one to talk to or share their day with. People who have kids that have wandered far away from them. Husbands and wives who look forward to being apart more than they look forward to being together. Yes. I have been blessed. I have no idea why, but I sure am thankful.

As some of you may know, this marks the one year anniversary of losing my mom. (Thank you Carrie for the text message this morning.) Strange term, as I didn't misplace her, but yet, just don't know exactly where she is. I know, as a Christian she is in heaven. But, when you really start to try and wrap your mind around that, you just wonder, where exactly is that. Someone can be lying there, in a hospital bed being your mom. Then, they're still right there, but now they are "gone". What happens in that split second of leaving this earth and going on to eternity? I have thought a lot about the last week of mom's life. It wasn't one I would have wished for her. She would have been much happier to have simply fallen asleep in her recliner watching the guys working out in the yard. I guess that is what is the hardest part in some ways - not that she's gone, which is inevitable, but how she had to leave. For four and a half days I talked with her, not knowing if she could heard a word I said, but I hope she somehow knew that she wasn't alone. I guess maybe that's all we can hope for as we leave this world and go to the next one. The red bird is for her. Red was by far her favorite color and she always had bird feeders out on her porch.

To my family and friends who read this, know that you mean the world to me. Along with my faith, you all give me great hope.

JAH

Time Passing

Another month has begun which is bringing a close to this year. This past year has brought about many changes in life - but I guess life is always going to be full of change.

Although not trying to dwell on things, it was a year ago today that I had my last conversation with my mom. I wish I could say it was some sort of deep, spiritual experience, but it mainly consisted of me trying to get someone to understand that she wasn't feeling well and that there was no way Dan and I could take her out of the hospital. I hated seeing her look frightened and being of little comfort. Sometimes I can remember things in little details, other times, it is just kind of a blur. However, the night before this, we watched Jeopardy, we visited, she wanted to know what I was planning on doing with the piano, she hoped all of us kids wouldn't fight over things. It is almost as if she knew she wasn't going home again...

I think mom would say she had a good life. She had some hard times, losing dad when they were only in their mid-50s, which is seeming younger and younger to me everyday. She was always happy that we all wanted to spend time with her, liked hanging out in her kitchen, and her grandkids would always stop in to say "hello" when they were around. She had friends in the neighborhood that she visited with and basically spent her entire life in an area of about 10 square miles except for her time at college and student teaching. I wonder sometimes if you begin to be conscious of the fact that you are not going home again. That you will not tell the person you have slept next to for years "good night and I love you" again. Not trying to be sad, but just trying to realize that time on this earth is finite. It will not last forever. My friend Joan had a post about the words we say. I guess that's what made me think about it. One thing I will always be thankful for is good memories of my parents - I am quite certain not everyone has them.

On another note - Dan and I get to go see John Mellencamp tonight for an early birthday celebration - Happy Birthday tomorrow, my dear. I think a concert will be a good thing. We used to not live in a place where we could do things like this, so I'm glad we are able to take advantage of those opportunities now.

Keeping the hope alive -
JAH

Look for the Colors

This has been a bit of a trying week for me. I had a disappointment on the employment front, but I'm trying to move on from that and will begin to search again. But, as the picture shows, there can be those bright moments - like when you come home to find some flowers on the table and a nice note from your husband and you know, no matter what, they're right there in your corner. Thanks, Dan. You're the best.

Also on a bright note, I have actually starting taking a class. It is going pretty well and I think the info I'm learning will be applicable in several areas of life. So far, I haven't felt too out of place - our out of my league, but we'll see once I take my mid-term on Monday. Yikes, it's been awhile!

Carrie and Isaac were home for a visit this past weekend, which was a great treat having them both here at the same time. We have great kids - another bright spot in life.

Our extended families are having their struggles and it is always hard when you're far away and seem a little disconnected from all of them. Phone conversations are always hard when you know the problems are way bigger than that. So, unfortunately, sometimes there are just no conversations which probably isn't good either. Life can be hard.

Tomorrow we are going to apply for our passports for our anniversary trip this spring. We haven't decided for sure where we're going, but at this point I think anyplace will be great. It seems like it has been forever since we have been able to take time off to take a fun trip for just the two of us. In fact, I could probably go tomorrow...

Well, hope everyone out there is doing well and finding their own little color in the world.

Keep hoping -
JAH

It's Monday...

Well, as Mondays go, this was pretty typical. We had a freezer not working quite right so I was shuffling things from one place to another and, after repairs, moving them back again. After a very busy weekend, which is not a bad thing, the cupboards here were basically empty so everything and then some had to be done. Given the problems in the world, these were really just minor inconveniences. They just always seems worse at 8 am on Monday morning. Tomorrow will be another day.

On a good note, Dan and I did make it to the Museum of Art in Ft. Wayne on Saturday. I suppose I have seen small art exhibits at different places from time to time, but this was my first trip to an actual art museum. I really enjoyed it. At first, I would look at different pieces and wonder what the artist was trying to say when they created it. I finally decided there was really no possible way I could determine that, nor did it probably matter. So I then began to just look at things and tried to appreciate the uniqueness of each thing, the colors, and just how they made me feel at the moment. I would definitely go back when a new exhibit begins. I thought it was money well spent. If I ever make it back to New York, I will go to a museum there.

We had an interesting Sunday School class this week. The topic was fairly political and we had more people than usual, so that made for some interesting conversation. Church went well even though the crowd was small. The music sounded good and Dan gave an excellent sermon, as usual.

This will be a busy week. Wednesday we are heading down to Anderson to see Isaac play again. Thursday we will be heading to Illinois and returning on Saturday. I am trying to do a little painting around the house. Of course, the more I look around, the more I notice that needs done. I'm trying to just take one thing at a time and not freak myself out.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Hope all is well with you...

JAH

Thursday...

Today is pretty much an ordinary day. It is Thursday, September 20. I realized this morning that it is my dad's birthday today - he would have been 82 years old. Hard to believe that he left this earth over 26 years ago. But, when I think of how much of life has changed since then, I suppose 26 years have definitely happened. Basically, memories of my dad are all good. He was just one of those guys that everyone seemed to like. He was quiet. His life pretty much revolved around his wife, kids, church and farming. He really liked animals. He really, really liked the grandchildren that he got to see. He didn't like to travel. It sucks that I only knew him for 17 years, but I realize, especially now that I've been around for awhile, 17 good years are a lot more than some people ever have. So, there is that.

I had a really nice dinner out the other day with my friend, Joan. She is getting ready to head to Washington D.C. and will take on the task of helping people stand up for those who have a hard time standing up for themselves. That is, without a doubt, an oversimplification of the task at hand, but for these purposes... Anyway, we weren't friends who spent large amounts of time together, but the conversations that we did have were good and I will miss knowing that she is there as a support for Dan and I. Her younger son and our son have been the best of friends since 7th grade, so we will hopefully always know about each others' families no matter where we all end up.

Dan and I have both seemed to be really tired lately. We have actually went to bed at 9:30 pm, which is a rare occasion for us. Neither one of us seem to be getting a real restful sleep. Not sure why. This Saturday we are going to try and go take in some nearby sights that we have never taken the time to see. I am looking forward to that.

It is time to go back to work - for what, I don't know. I have to say, I really dislike working here more and more...

Here's hoping for hope -
JAH

Okay...so it's been awhile

Seems like it's been forever since I did this. Actually it has almost been a couple of months. Not sure why it has taken so long, but guess that's just the way it is.

Guess I've had some random thoughts lately and maybe writing some of them down will make them all make perfect sense - to someone anyway.

Families are a strange thing. I'm sure for most people, this concept is not anything new and I'm sure to some people "strange" would be an understatement. In this context, I'm talking about my siblings. There are five of us - I have four older brothers. True, I was kind of the spoiled one, being the youngest by nine years and the only girl. Now, as we are all adults, that doesn't seem to play near as big of a role in all of our lives as it did growing up. However, I think I am beginning to realize that my world and their world may not be the same world. Now that both of our parents are gone and we are still going through the process of figuring out what to do with a house full of my their possessions, things are somehow beginning to take on a different light. Don't get me wrong, none of us are fighting over the silver, but everyone certainly does have a different attitude about the whole process. I think the hardest part for me is still coming to grips with the fact that the nest time I pull into the driveway, mom isn't going to be standing there at the door giving me the signature wave that she had. I don't know if it is simply because, having lived away for a period of time, I can go about life as usual and figure that life as usual is still going on there. There are still times when I think that I need to include something in the weekly letter or maybe that something actually warrants a phone call only to realize that...well... you get the picture. Maybe that is why I have dragged my feet so long. I guess once that house is empty, there is no putting stuff back. There is no going back in a seeing things "as usual". Okay, enough of that thought...

We got a letter from my niece the other day. Her and her husband are getting ready to head off to the mission field next year and they are beginning the process of raising support. They are planning on going to Pakistan. Wow. This is not exactly a walk in the park from my understanding of current events. To top it off, they just had their first child in March. This is something, in my understanding, that they have planned on doing for several years. He is actually a lawyer and I believe she majored in Spanish or something along those lines. I hope things fall into place for them and I hope my brother and his wife aren't totally freaking out as I know I may be if it were Carrie or Isaac. I'm just glad they are following what they believe is the way to go. But still...wow.

Okay, there is probably a bunch of other stuff I could write her for clarity of thought, but I think it is time to get some food. Hope all is well in your world.

Staying hopeful -
JAH

Chapter 3 - False Dangers

Back from conference in Decatur, Illinois and trying to get back on track with all of those things life throws at us. My foot is still in a big boot, but hopefully on Monday, it will be history (the boot, not my foot). Carrie has headed off to Findlay, so things seem kind of strange, but there is a big pile of her stuff still in the kitchen, so she doesn't seem all that far away.

On to the book. This chapter talks about the false dangers we sometimes worry about when it comes to worshiping God. He points to how we attempt to "manage" our encounters with God - calling it our attempt to domesticate Him. I thought that was a pretty good observation. When you think about all of the Biblical encounters with God, they were usually anything but safe or manageable. Most people instinctively fell on their faces. I wonder how God feels when we are sitting in a worship service thinking about where we're going for lunch, nodding off, not paying attention, thinking about how we don't care for what is going on, etc., etc.

I suppose really, when you think about it, the God we claim to worship is anything but safe. When you read about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, having faith in God was probably anything but safe to them by our definition. But, they actually feared idolatry more than fire. As the author says, "The furnace was blazing hot, a dramatic threat. Idolatry by comparison was quiet, invisible, barely noticeable when everyone else was already on their knees." Do we really know where the real danger lies?

The author lists six false dangers: Worship That's Not Under Control, Worship that Doesn't Seem Relevant, Worship that Doesn't Meet Expectations, Worship that Isn't Popular, Worship That's Unfamiliar. In other words, we want what's safe.

Here are his final thoughts on this:

"Safe worship. It's the kind of primrose path that draws us but misleads us. It has the allure of beauty but can mask pain, alienation, injustice. It can leave us feeling better but does nothing to help others who suffer. It can occupy so much energy and time that it leaves us too tired for ministry that might actually take us to where the needs are greatest. It can lead us to feel faith, but not actually to believe. It can lead us to imply we are trusting, without ever really taking a risk. It can preoccupy us with the false dangers of worship while we miss the real ones. It leaves us safe--which can mean lost, disengaged, disconnected, disinterested. So we often leave our services with what we came for, which sadly and ironically means we have little more than when we arrived. For better and worse, everything that matters is at stake in worship."

How does my life and attitude of worshiping God need to change so that I'm not just the same person day after day always wishing I could make changes in my life, but never really doing anything about it. Where does my true hope come from?

Needing to be more radical-
JAH

Chapter Two - The Real Battle Over Worship

Quoting from THE DANGEROUS ACT OF WORSHIP

For all our apparent passion about God, in the end much of our worship seems to be mostly about us.

What is ironic and especially pertinent is that many debates about worship are just indirect ways of talking about ourselves, not God. Our debates can readily devolve into little more than preference lists for how we like our worship served up each week. It's worship as consumption rather than offering; it's an expression of human taste--not a longing to reflect God's glory.

If we worship Jesus Christ, then we are to live like Jesus Christ: (Luke 9:23-24) Then (Jesus) said to them all, 'If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it.'

The heart of the battle over worship is this: our worship practices are separated from our call to justice and, worse, foster the self-indulgent tendencies of our culture rather than nurturing the self-sacrificing life of the kingdom of God. We are asleep. Nothing is more important than for us to wake up and practice the dangerous act of worship, living God's call to justice.

Part of the malady of our culture and discipleship efforts is this tragic rationale: that in the face of global need, if we can't do everything, we can't do anything. We are paralyzed, inert.

Part of what stunned and excited me when I came to faith in Christ was the discovery that if Jesus Christ was Lord, it mattered for all people everywhere. That meant God's heart was both personal and global. The kingdom of God was no small, myopic project but rather the transformation of everyone and everything. 'For God so loved the world...'--that those who follow him are to do the same.

God's plan is that we, the church, are to be the primary evidence of God's presence. The core of a biblical theology of worship is the worthiness of God.

To be centered on God means first discovering that God is our center and then living lives focused on the things that matter to God. We reflect the worthiness of God by how we love and serve whomever and whatever God considers to be of worth.

Out of God's love for his people and their love for God will come an effluence of mercy and justice in the world: shalom. This common Hebrew word for greeting means "peace," but it also includes much more than the word typically calls to mind. Shalom includes our individual and collective well-being, our health, our safety and our completeness.

A broken relationship with God leads to broken relationships with one another. God's purpose is to restore and heal both.

His (Jesus) words and his actions drew the marginalized and the outcast. He loved the Father by loving those the Father loved. These cannot be separated. Jesus redefined the meaning of neighbor in the shocking story of the good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37).

When we or anyone besides God assumes the central role, life whips us out of alignment -- lots of motion with destructive wear and significant damage.

Vigorous biblical practice of worship should stop, or at least redirect, our endless consumerism, as our free choice to spend less in order to give away more. Our worship should be recognizable by the lives it produces, one that plainly evidences the broad, sacrificial and persevering commitment of Jesus Christ. Our community reputation, as Scripture suggests, should be that the church comprises those who pursue justice for the poor and oppressed because that is what it means to be Christ's body in the world. We should not fool ourselves into thinking that it's enough to feel drawn to the heart of God without our lives showing the heart of God.

--------------------------------------

Another summary of my "underlinings".

As for the rest of life, my foot is still in this big boot thing that is most annoying when I try to sleep. I was thinking today while doing the pre- and post-shower ritual about people who take care of others unable to take care of themselves. I cannot even begin to think about the hours that some parents dedicate to the care of their children who were either born with or afflicted with some type of physical challenge that requires constant attention. My little procedure, relatively speaking, was simple and my complete recovery is expected and it is still a disruption to our lives. Some people must have incredible strength.

Tomorrow it is back to Findlay with Dan and Carrie to sign the lease for her apartment and finalize the paperwork for her new place of employment. I am excited for her and know she will be awesome at the job awaiting her.

Hope everyone out there is doing well and keeping the hope alive -
JAH

Chapter One - What's at Stake in Worship?

Quoting from THE DANGEROUS ACT OF WORSHIP

Worship names what matters most: the way human beings are created to reflect God's glory embodying God's character in lives that seek righteousness and do justice.

Worship turns out to be the dangerous act of waking up to God and to the purposes of God in the world, and then living lives that actually show it.

Worship can name a Sunday gathering of God's people, but it also includes how we treat those around us, how we spend our money, and how we care for the lost and the oppressed.

Scripture indicates that worship is meant to be the tangible embodiment of God's hope in the world. Conversely, the Bible also teaches that the realities of oppression, poverty and injustices can be both a call to worship and an indictment of our failure to do so.

When worship is our response to the One who alone is worthy of it - Jesus Christ - then our lives are on their way to being turned inside out.

...The VBS production featured everything money and time could buy and was so central and primary that the gospel felt small and incidental in comparison.

...The privileges of churches like these can shroud the gospel in such middle- and upper-class consumer-oriented style and content that salvation subtly becomes more about providing a warm blanket of cultural safety than about stepping out into the bracing winds of spiritual sacrifice.

One-sixth of the world's population lives in absolute poverty, and nearly a million children each year are sold or forced into the sex-trafficking trade. But this is not just about statistics--it's about real lives. People with names and families are living daily without food or water, in sickness and oppression. ...they are circumstantially without hope. Every day.

...where is the evidence that through worship our lives have actually been redefined and realigned with God's heart for justice in the world?

...worship services that offer little more than comfort food: the baked potatoes of love, the melting butter of grace, with just enough bacon and chives of outreach to ease the conscience. All this becomes a churchly anesthetic.

Waking up is the dangerous act of worship.

God's criticism of Israel was that it professed what it failed to live.

"What does the LORD required of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

Faithful worship means finding our life in God and practicing that life in the world, especially for the sake of the poor, the oppressed and the forgotten.

---------
I actually started to reread this book - this time with a highlighter. Please hang in there with me while I summarize each chapter here so I can first of all, let it sink in a little more and second of all, have a handy summary for myself.

Reawakening to the hope there is -
Jah

Let's Get Dangerous

Well, I have hobbled to the computer and am attempting to do this with one of my feet propped up on an open desk drawer. My life has been a bit different lately. My minor surgery seems to have been successful although I have yet to actually see what they did. Hopefully when they remove the bandages on Monday, the expression will be good and not a "well that's odd" look. I have also learned that TV is pretty much worthless, but I did start and complete a really great book. The title is THE DANGEROUS ACT OF WORSHIP Living God's Call to Justice by Mark Labberton. Dan and I both heard him speak at the National Pastor's Convention and, although we had not heard of him, decided he was our favorite speaker.

I enjoy reading. I don't do it as often as I should, which whether I want to admit it or not, is my own choice. There are a few books I have read though, this being one of them, that have to really seep in over a few days. It offered some really insightful ideas about how and why we worship. I have been trying to share some of the ideas with Dan, but they are still trying to form something in my own heart and mind, so it is hard at this point to articulate them. However, I did want to share some of the key points not only so that you could ponder them, but so that I could ponder them again.

"...we need to continue to grapple with whether our faith or our culture shapes our lives more. What are the distinctives that might lead us individually or as a community to live more kingdomlike lives? Here are some helpful questions....

"Are we ready to live life in God in our town, or do we still insist on living in our town and try to fit God in? Are we convinced that these two options are not the same thing? Are we convinced that God's serious plan for healing the nations in Jesus Christ involves us? That it means picking up our cross and laying down our claim to ourselves in real sacrifice, and that it will change our lives?

"Are we going to let our class, race, job or money set the terms and priorities of our life, or do we want to be seriously kingdom-minded and kingdom-hearted?

"Are we willing to let the gospel do the deep redefining work of establishing us in our new humanity, or will we only let it do a little sprucing up?

"Are we willing to let Sabbath-keeping redefine the weekly rhythms of our lives, calling us to lay down our activities, cease our multi-tasking, stop our consumption, recalibrate our priorities and redefine--for the sake of truly seeking God, for listening, differently and intently for the Spirit, for remembering the passions of God for love, justice and mercy? Are we ready to seek God in our personal and corporate worship so we live to God's great honor?

"Are we willing to do the hard work of thinking beyond the categories of conservative and liberal in order to allow the kingdom to reorder the categories of issues that matter and that escape easy categorization? Are we willing to do the hard work of acting out the consequences of seeking justice, even when the cost is that our sense of self and life is fundamentally altered?"

It wasn't necessarily a hard book to read, but the topic is definitely not light. The main premise for the book and the theme that is repeated throughout comes from Micah 6:8 "What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" It seems simple enough, but yet it seems to be so lacking in most of our lives and in the lives of our churches.

Now I am getting to that point where there is way too much info to share and my leg went to sleep quite some time ago. I hope I can continue this book report throughout my recuperation process. I know that the more I keep thinking about it, the more I want it to make a difference. I don't want to close it and think about the great points that were made and move on to check the channel guide one more time.

My leg is pretty much numb now, so I'll ramble on just a little longer. These past few months I have almost felt like my faith had ceased to exist. I know, that may be a bit overstated, but not by much. I have felt like most of my human relationships (with the exception of my immediate family - God doesn't give us more than we can handle as I think that would have put me over the edge) have been broken, or at least not functioning properly. I am learning once again that if my relationship with God is broken, well...you get the picture. The other day, someone, who can remain anonymous for now, said to me "God doesn't work". It kind of hit me in the stomach, that I had been living my life that way. Things weren't as I thought they should be and I was beginning to think that very same thing. Let's pack it in, go back to where we started, God doesn't work. The very day that was said to me, God gave us the opportunity to see that He is definitely not broken, and does indeed, still work. I am beginning to see that my vision of how life works needs to be redefined not just "spruced up".

This was much more than I started out to do, but thank you for indulging my own self-analysis of life.

Rekindling the hope -
JAH

The Long Defeat

When I saw this title to an article in a magazine called RADIANT, I thought, "yeah, that sounds about right" so I decided to read on and see what Sara Groves had to say. In the end, although the title sounds pretty discouraging, it is actually an encouraging piece. The pullout quote is this..."There are many losing battles worth investing, in, simply because winning is not the point." Interesting. Winning is not the point??? I guess to summarize we need to do the right thing whether success, as currently defined in social, economic or human terms, is part of the equation or not. What must be realized, though, is this endeavor is tiring, costly and at times, lonely. The most well known example used is Mother Teresa. We see her as someone who accomplished great things - and she did - but the problem in Calcutta still exists. The battle has not been won. I am also sure she had many days where she was tired, wondered if it was all worth it and felt pretty alone, and that's okay. We can't help but believe that for every person she touched, it was worth it. Now...the question is, do I think it is worth it? Let's face it. Doing the easy thing is, well, easier. Many times it doesn't seem as tiring and most of the time it is probably a lot less lonely. So where is the encouraging part? I guess to me it is knowing that it is okay to question and wonder. Maybe it is better for us that we can't go through a list of accomplishments and revel in the successes we have had and feel like our job here on earth is done. I don't think that is the way it is supposed to be. I think the big thing in all of this is that we need others to encourage us. We need people to say that in light of eternity, fighting the battle, even if it is a battle within, is more than worth it.

Trying to keep the hope alive...
JAH

Holiness and Such

"We're tempted by moralism because we've forgotten what God wants at the center." This quote begins the article Holy to the Core by Joel Scandrett in the May 2007 issue of CHRISTIANITY TODAY. I had read this article last month and then recently read it again. It emphasized that the mot basic meaning of the word "holy" is to be "set apart" or "dedicated" to God - to BELONG to God. I wanted to share some of the "underlinings" I made.

* While we've cast off old, legalistic notions of holiness, we've merely replaced them with private, moralistic notions. We act as if holiness were either outdated or something that characterizes only a small (if important) part of our lives.

*Prior to any consideration of morality, biblical holiness describes a unique relationship that God has established and desires with his people. This relationship has moral ramifications, but it precedes moral behavior. Before we are ever called to be good, we are called to be holy. Unless we rightly understand and affirm the primacy of this relationship, we fall into the inevitable trap of reducing holiness to mere morality.

*Contrary, then, to any notion of mere moral conformity, true holiness is a grateful collaboration with God in seeking to live out the form of human life that he intends.

*More than any other American value, the notion that we are the masters and proprietors of our own lives stands in direct opposition to our call to be set apart to God.

*So endemic is this narcissism that many American Christians see Jesus as little more than a means of augmenting their sense of self, either as a source of "health and prosperity" or of emotional "well-being." In either case, the self is allowed to continue as its own spiritual center, rather than taking its proper place in orbit around Jesus Christ, its true center.

*The call of God comes not to isolated individuals, but to a people: The people of Israel in the Old Testament and the people of Jesus, Jew and Gentile, in the New Testament.

*...we must never forget that the church is God-created, non-negotiable reality of which all disciples of Jesus are a part and to which we are called to commit and submit.

*There is no such thing as love for God that does not include love for God's people.

*To be set part as a member of Christ's bride is to participate in the church's worship.

*We are set apart as the church for the sake of others.

*To be holy, to be set apart to God, is never an end in itself but is always for the sake of the world.

To me, holiness would seem to be a completely unattainable state of perfection. Because of this, I always wondered why God would say, "Be Holy as I am Holy". But given this line of thought, holiness as setting yourself aside for God, it would be attainable. That is a scary thought - a more "no excuses" thought. We all want to use the reasoning that as mere humans, we just have to try hard to be good and nice and then God, because of Jesus, will understand when we totally mess everything up. Could it be that there is more required of us than that? Is this part of what it means to be crucified with Christ - being dead to our own desires and alive to His? How can it be any other way....