Another month has begun which is bringing a close to this year. This past year has brought about many changes in life - but I guess life is always going to be full of change.
Although not trying to dwell on things, it was a year ago today that I had my last conversation with my mom. I wish I could say it was some sort of deep, spiritual experience, but it mainly consisted of me trying to get someone to understand that she wasn't feeling well and that there was no way Dan and I could take her out of the hospital. I hated seeing her look frightened and being of little comfort. Sometimes I can remember things in little details, other times, it is just kind of a blur. However, the night before this, we watched Jeopardy, we visited, she wanted to know what I was planning on doing with the piano, she hoped all of us kids wouldn't fight over things. It is almost as if she knew she wasn't going home again...
I think mom would say she had a good life. She had some hard times, losing dad when they were only in their mid-50s, which is seeming younger and younger to me everyday. She was always happy that we all wanted to spend time with her, liked hanging out in her kitchen, and her grandkids would always stop in to say "hello" when they were around. She had friends in the neighborhood that she visited with and basically spent her entire life in an area of about 10 square miles except for her time at college and student teaching. I wonder sometimes if you begin to be conscious of the fact that you are not going home again. That you will not tell the person you have slept next to for years "good night and I love you" again. Not trying to be sad, but just trying to realize that time on this earth is finite. It will not last forever. My friend Joan had a post about the words we say. I guess that's what made me think about it. One thing I will always be thankful for is good memories of my parents - I am quite certain not everyone has them.
On another note - Dan and I get to go see John Mellencamp tonight for an early birthday celebration - Happy Birthday tomorrow, my dear. I think a concert will be a good thing. We used to not live in a place where we could do things like this, so I'm glad we are able to take advantage of those opportunities now.
Keeping the hope alive -
JAH
3 comments:
You are always so positive - one of my many favorite things about you. It's strange to think abou these things and you are lucky you remember the last time you two talked...
I hope you and dad had fun last night. I'll be looking forward to Sunday!
love you.
Has it been a year, Jane? I hope this very poignant anniverary time just holds good memories and peace for you. Your mom seemed like just a stable force in the lives of her children and grandchildren, clearly admired and loved. I hope we can be the same for our children as the years progress. I'm glad you posted.
If it seems to you that you miss her more than the people around you, it's because they have you.
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