Where Did Life Go?

The last time I did this, life seemed much different. We are now getting ready to spend our first Christmas without my mom. It all kind of seems a bit unreal to me still. But, I guess I will need to come to grips with the fact that the life that had eggnog, kids running all over the living room, my mom looking very small underneath the pile of presents that we brought to her, Saturday morning coffee in the kitchen with the bugs flying overhead has ended. But, as I think about the task of looking through all of her stuff while I am back that week, I am reminded that although one life has ended - it does go on for the rest of us. I just hope that somehow during the stress of the holidays we can all appreciate how quickly it goes and how so much of the enjoyable parts are missed because of silly things that we let annoy us way beyond their limits of importance.

So as I write this, I hope to remind myself that life is a gift - the one I have and the ones that share theirs with me. Heaven has to be real. Family matters. Keep some perspective. Keep your eyes open for the good things and don't dwell on the bad. Life is a gift.

JAH

Friday

Well, Friday has finally arrived so it is a night out with Dan. I wish I could think of something exciting for us to do, but I feel like I'm about as exciting as going to the dentist. I need to get my mind firing on all of the cylinders again, but I don't push myself enough. Now I feel like I'm getting kind of a headcold, which is annoying. I'm also afraid to put on the dress I got to wear to a wedding tomorrow because it's not going to look like I think that it should. I suppose those types of thoughts are somewhat vain and right now I feel very unsure of myself.

Yesterday we ventured down to AU again and had a nice supper with Isaac, Graham, Caleb and Jared. I think they are planning to go downtown Indy this evening and talk with the homeless people that might be out and about. They thought they might try to have supper with them. I would imagine the conversations could be pretty interesting.

Now I believe I will clean the living room, hit the shower and see what happens the rest of tonight.

Peace and hope to all -
JAH

It's A Monday

Today was definitely a Monday kind of day. When I woke up I felt like I hadn't slept yet and then when I got to work, there was already work waiting for me. Then someone called in sick, etc., etc... Oh well, I guess in the big picture of life, these little inconveniences probably aren't such a big deal. At least I kept trying to tell myself that as the day went on.

I don't know if it is still the empty nest syndrome or what, but every now and then, bursting in to tears would seem like an easy thing to do and I have no idea why. I hate that. Maybe it is just my age more than the nest. I do think I definitely need to get back into the treadmill routine and out of the fattening foods routine. I think that does impact one's mood and overall energy level. Dan and I both got on the ole t-mill yesterday, so hopefully we can keep at each other to keep it up.

Tomorrow we are going to AU to hear Shane Claiborne speak and I am looking forward to that. I haven't finished his book Irresistable Revolution quite yet, but I'm more than half way through it. It is very convicting and challenging. Sometimes I think I rationalize my attitude/actions (or lack thereof) way too much. I don't think Jesus wants us to be observers - he wants us to be participants. It isn't that I'm not involved in church, but sometimes I feel like I have lost some of my ability to relate to those people who do not choose to be followers of Christ. Or...maybe the problem is, that I have become too much like them and thus feel no need to relate?? I'm not sure.

Well, it is almost 4 pm and the treadmill is still at a standstill.

Keep the hope alive-
JAH

How does this go???

It took me awhile, but I finally got to the screen where a person can write on this crazy thing. Of course, now that I'm here, I'm not really sure what to write. I read through my old posts and things seem so much different now.


Carrie and Isaac are both off to school. Carrie in her last year of college - Isaac in his first. Even as I write that, I can hardly believe that it is true. Seeing them take off in to the world out there is a very strange - although exciting - feeling. Even as I write, Isaac is off to Washington DC for a conference of some sort. The horizon is expanding.

I thought I would take some time and start writing thoughts down again, but as usual, my mind is kind of a jumble. It seems there is so much to think about and process through, but I just kind of feel small like my dog most of the time. Or sometimes, as I have told Dan, I feel like I'm running through jello like in those crazy dreams where you keep running but never seem to get anywhere. Of course, I'm not sure where I'm trying to go, so what is a person to do.

I have been reading more. I finished one book and have started on another. Both of which were different in their settings, but but quite challenging. They have me feeling distant from much of what I think life should probably be like for those of us who are followers of Christ. (I am beginning to think the word "Christian" has been misued to the point that it has no meaning.) Dan and I talk about that a lot. What is our part? Do we make it too hard to figure out? Do we just think about it too much? How does this go???

Anyway, maybe as I make an attempt at writing some of these things down, the pieces of life's puzzle will get put together in the right way and the picture will end up looking pretty good. There are some things I feel like I do know: Following Christ is always the best way even though it sometimes gets confusing; I have been blessed with a wonderful husband whom I love and get to go through this life with; our kids are the greatest despite those times we wish we would have done things differently; the church is still responsible to the world - not the other way around. These things I do know.

Be radical in the hope -
JAH

Not So Radical

Today I am not feeling like my hope is any too radical. True, I do have hope in this life and in the life to come, but it is definitely not a radical feeling. I guess one has to make choices and decisions and cannot go merely on feelings, but I think my emotional state is somewhat unstable at present and I'm not all together certain as to why. I am not saying I am in a bad emotional state - just emotional. I have never been one to cry easily - but lately, I think I could cry pretty easily. Things that make me happy make me want to cry. Things that make me sad - things that make me feel old..er. I don't really know how to describe it, but I guess I will just accept that one goes through times like these and maybe even that this kind of a time is a good thing.

Maybe it is Neil Young's fault. We've been watching his new DVD and it is somewhat nostalgic in nature - reflective. One thing I do realize is that I have a very blessed life. I have a great husband, great daughter, great son. I would not change that part of my life in anyway. I just want to gather them together and make definite mental images in my mind of all of our moments that we get to share. I want to be aware of my surroundings and take a snapshot as I know they may not ever be exactly like this again. It is not that I want time to stand still, because that is not a good thing, but I want to really start to take it all in and hold those little, cool things in my heart. Like sharing nachos with Dan and talking about what's going on. Like listening to each of the kids talk and realizing that they have become their own individual with ideas and plans.

I need to be more thankful for my life. I need to get more radical again in my hope for what God has in store for us...

JAH

Untitled

That is kind of how I feel today - untitled. I think I have felt too many emotions these past few weeks and I'm not sure where I am. I know there are things I need to do and things I want to do. I feel like there is a way I should be and a way that I am. Getting from point A to point B is sometimes the hard part. I read my husband's blog a little while ago and it reminded me that the journey may be just as important as any current destination. We all need to enjoy our moments as they are given. I believe I have even written something like this before, but somehow I forget.

Lord, help me enjoy the moments in the journey. Help me to remember I don't have to accomplish everything at once. Thank you for the wonderful family you have given me to share the trip.

Fire up in me some radical hope...

JAH

The Ladder

Sometimes I wonder if I am climbing up a ladder or going down a ladder. On the one hand, I still feel like I am climbing a ladder of sorts. You know, I am still learning new things - like using this laptop - that there are still new adventures and experiences to be had. Within one week, our son turned 18, he graduated from high school, and our daughter turned 21. Sometimes that makes me feel like I'm going down the ladder. The next generation is taking their place. I am probably going to need to admit that I am at middle age.

Maybe instead of going down a ladder, I should think of it as switching to a different ladder. I guess in some ways our experiences and adventures are going to change. Our roles are going to change. But as I have often said to others and I must now say to myself, change is not a bad word. Change can be a good thing. A new thing. I cannot wait to see where life takes our kids. They are really great kids. They think and have great ideas. They don't always follow the crowd. They have opinions and they share them with us and with others. In some ways, they are both wise beyond their years and have taught us many things. I want to take it all in as they make their way in this crazy world. I hope they can experience many great things and that they will both find great people to share them with.

I will admit, there are many mixed emotions as you see your children becoming less dependent on you, but a great deal of satisfaction can come as you see them make choices, but still ask for advice every now and then.

So, I guess that is it. I am not going down a ladder, but I am still on a journey. I guess ladders have an ending, but roads can go on for a long time. I like this road and have been so blessed with a great husband and great kids to share it with.

Thank you Lord for this life. Help me to enjoy each day and not worry about the curves and hills in the road. I don't want to be complacent about this life. Remind me of all the joy that has been and will be in my life because of You and Your Love for us. Keep me in Your Radical Hope.

JAH

Gettin' on the Roller Coaster

I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be somewhat of a roller coaster ride of crazy emotions. Maybe this always happens when a milestone is reached in one's life. For my husband and me, the empty nest is just around the corner. Last night we went to an English Banquet - who knew there were English Banquets - where the seniors were honored and were each asked to read something that they had writtten. Strangely enough, it was really quite a good experience. Our son's best friend, Graham, read an incredibly witty, funny and insightful short story he had written. I realized how fortunate we were that our son has had such a good friend, along with Aaron and others along the way.

Shortly thereafter, our son got up and read a poem he had written, which, although I am unashamedly biased, was great. It of course brought tears to my eyes as I realized how blessed we are to have a great son who is also witty, funny and insightful. Not to mention we also have a great, beautiful and creative daughter who will always challenge and inspire us to know where we stand and to listen before we speak. All of this thought during a poem.

I also realized how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband (23 years on 5/14) sitting behind me and knowing that he was also probably thinking some of the same thoughts that I was. It is at those moments that I want to be very aware of all that is surrounding me so that I can recall this memory in time at some later time in my life when I'm wondering if we're all doing okay.

I know the next few weeks will bring much joy, reflection, sadness, anticipation, stress and relief. It should all be very interesting. It is really pretty cool how God has orchestrated life to prepare us for the departure of our kids. It is a gradual thing, even though at the moment it doesn't seem like it. I only hope and pray that we have given them some direction along the way so they can start out on their own paths finding their way in this world. I am very anxious to see where they go and am excited for them at the possibilities that await them.

Thank you God for sharing Dan, Carrie and Isaac with me.

Keep the hope radical -
JAH

Back Again

I thought I was actually going to be doing a little better at this, but was surprised when I saw my last post was two weeks ago. Time is such a crazy thing.

Went to a conference recently and have been trying to figure some stuff out. Dan and I talk about stuff and that is good as it helps me to think about things, but I still am not sure on the whole idea of living this life the way Christ would really be living it. Is it possible? Have we decided it really isn't necessary? I am a firm believer that works do not earn our way to heaven, but if our lives have truly been transformed by Christ, then shouldn't it somehow look different than the lives of those who have not been transformed. There sure are a lot of action words in Bible for action to not matter.

Maybe...it isn't even so much just what we do but how we think about what we do. I have noticed that people really complain a lot. My life is supposed to be different, so I have tried to notice if I've been complaining a lot - which I probably do. Maybe if my attitude about things were different my actions would follow suit. I dont' know. I tried to have a more positive attitude today, which is always interesting because then you just have a negative attitude about everyone else's negativity. Thus the dilemma. Maybe I can somehow work through this. I'll keep talking to Dan and others who will listen and maybe even keep trying to work it out through writing it out. Anyway...until next time.

Have a radical hope -
JAH

The Times They Are A Changin'

This weekend we took Isaac to Anderson University and he has officially signed up for classes. There are a lot of things a person feels when they do this with a child. In a way I feel like part of our lives are finishing up. The sun is setting. But as Dan and I sat there listening to all the talks and info, etc., I realized that we are in a good place. Our kids, although not quite perfect, have been such an incredible blessing to our lives. I don't ever remember having the types of conversations with my parents that we have gotten to have with Carrie and Isaac. I know there are plenty of people out there in the world, for whatever reason, that have never had nor ever will have the chance to make cool memories with their kids. Thanks God, Dan and I are in a good place and I am so happy that you put us here.

Dan is not preaching tomorrow as Scott, our chairman of the board and good friend, is going to share a message for the first time. I hope everything goes okay for him. He and his family are pretty awesome.

Time to call it a day.

Christ's peace & Radical Hope -
JAH

Life Is Good - God Is Good

Dan went to the doctor and everything is going to be okay. Life is good - God is Good. Of course, as I was thinking this, God is good always - even in the times where it doesn't seem like everything is going to be okay, but that is one of those things it is hard for me to grasp. So for today, I don't think I will try and understand that - I will just be happy that Dan is going to be okay.

The electricty was connected yesterday at the pavilion that was built at our church. It was good to see a little progress again. Things usually don't move along as quickly as it would appear that they could, but maybe patience is something that doesn't come easy, but is good when it comes.

This evening we will be heading to Anderson so Isaac can sign up for classes, take his placement exams and just basically hang out and get a feel for the place. I hope he comes away from there thinking that things will be okay.

Today is a work day for me in the pizza making world. There are already three big orders there waiting, which would be okay if that was the bulk of it for today, but most of the time that doesn't happen. I hope I am never as uptight about food as some people can be. I will probably regret writing this, but I have been fortunate enough to not have anyone call and complain about their food in quite some time. I hate those phone calls because people seem to lose all perspective when it comes to their food. Maybe it is just because something else in their life is going bad and they can't do anything about that so they will demand restitution in regard to their pizza and its toppings and crust. That is what I should tell myself next time someone acts as though their life really is ruined because of pizza.

Time to go. I hope everyone else has a good day today.

Love Jesus and Do What You Want-
JAH

What's It All About

What is life all about? Right now I feel like I have more questions than answers. I wonder why a little boy whose parents are on the mission field trying to do some good in the world had a freak accident and was killed. I wonder why a little one year old girl at our church has cystic fibrosis and now has a somewhat life-threatening infection. I wonder why my husband has an infection that won't go away and I think right now I'm a little scared about that. Then I wonder why so many people seem to be so concerned about other things that just really don't seem to matter much.

I think I am probably one of the worst bloggers that has attempted blogging. I guess I need to take more time and sit down and write things out. Maybe this would be a good way to have some good conversations with God and let Him know that I'm down here wondering about some things. I don't really think I'm questioning Him so much as far as He is God and all, but sometimes I just don't get the plan. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe the plan is more of a work in progress that changes and grows and dies and exists in ways that I can't comprehend. Maybe that's why we aren't supposed to worry about our tomorrows but just live each moment as it is given to us. I just don't want to waste moments. I look at our kids and wonder how they got to be adults. They are great adults in spite of me, but I don't want to miss the moments. I think of Dan and I celebrating 23 years of marriage and don't want to miss our moments. Being in love with someone is truly a gift. Having kids who are healthy and bright and full of potential is a gift. I guess those are things I should also wonder about. Why do I have those gifts? Why does God bless us in the ways that He does?

I guess life is a mystery and maybe that shouldn't be a scarey thing but a good thing. Why would I want to know the whole "plan". That would probably make me miss the moments as they happen.

It is tea time and hot chocolate time at our house. This is one of my favorite moments. (I keep on using that word - I hope it means what I think it means. )

Love Jesus and Do What You Want -
JAH

Lazy Saturday

Today feels like one of those lazy days where I could wrap up in a blanket and read, watch TV or sleep. But, somehow the guilt of being lazy always hangs over a person's head.

Our children have left for Florida for a Campus Life Spring Break Trip, which is good, but I'll be glad when it is done and they are back in Indiana. It is amazing how you can want your children to experience all the good things the world has to offer, yet have such an out-of-control feeling as they walk out the door. It will be okay though. Learning to let go is a part of life and moving on to that next stage can be an adventure, I'm sure. It should be an interesting year...and I hope to treat it like a new adventure. That should be what life is like - looking at everything in its full potential. I hope I can begin to be more like that.

Went back to work and not too much had changed. It was amazing how it kind of wore me out though. I hadn't been in the upright, vertical position for that long of a stretch for a week, and it was pretty tiring - or else I'm just really out of shape - probably a little of both.

Tonight we are going out for supper with our church council. It will be nice to go out with some people, that is one thing I kind of miss from back home. Friendship can seem like such a hard thing. It is much easier to have acquaintences than friends, but friends are definitely better.

I think it is time to make some more coffee. Maybe that will put me in adventure mode!!

Christ's peace & and Radical Hope -
JAH

First Timer

This is my first attempt at "blogging". I hope to use the as a place to record events and thoughts of my family and life. I've been home sick for a week and finally decided to give this a shot. Back to work tomorrow...